a 



/9? 



V T'EMFERANi K PLATS—ift Cents Each. 



PR 4713 
.R3 
Copy 1 



oom, 11 5 Bottle, - 
Acts, 12 5 Drunkard's Doom, 
•d's Life 10 4 I Aunt Dinah's Pledge. 



M F Mr 

11 6 j Temperance Doctor. . SO 4 

- 15 5 Fruits of the Wine* on. . « 3 

<3 3 j Drunkard's Warning, (c) 6 3 



No. CCCLXIIT. 



FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA 



e 



.ANDALL'S J.HUMB; 



%n (Original tfomcfcij, in %hm %m< 

By W. S. GILBERT, 

{Member of the Dramatic Authors' Society.) 

AUTHOIl OF 

Dulcamara, or the Little Duck and the Great Quack ; Allow rue to Explain; 
Highly Improbable ; Harlequin Cock Robin and Jenny Wren ; La Vivandiere. 
or True to the Corps ; The Merry Zingara, or the Tipsy Gipsy and the Pipsy 
Wipey ; No Cards (German Reed's); Robert <he Devil, or the Nun, the Dun, 
and the Son of a Gun ; The Pretty Druidess, or tbe Mother, the Maid, and the 
Mistletoe Bough ; An old Score ; Ages Ago (German Reed's*; The Princess, a 
Whimsical Allegory ; The Gentlemen in Black ; Our Island Home (German 
Reed's); Palace of Truth : A Sensation Novel in Three Volumes 'German 
Reed's); S c, &c. 



NEW Y 11 K : 

SAMUEL FRENCH & SON, PUBLISHERS 

122 Nassau Stkekt. 



BOOKS JEVjbIRY ATK KZWOTB. SHOUTED ±La.Vfci. 
fffiATEUU'S GUIDE ; or, How to Get up Home Theatricals and to Act in Them, witn Uu.ss. $ 

tJ^i Seleoted Scenes, Plays and other useful information for Amateur Societies. Price 25 Jtfc 

GUIDE TO THE STAGE. 15 cents. ART OF ACTING. 15 cents. 

4n2/thv*9 ,9K >wt sots* 3r* V motile ?&*&* yvticb. 



FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 

Price 15 Cents each.— Bound. Volumes $1.25. *f^ 



VOL. I. 

1 Ion 

2 Faxio 

S The Lady of Lyons 

4 Richelieu 

5 The Wife 

6 The Honeymoon 

7 The School for Scandal 

8 Mopey 

VOL. II. 

9 Tho Stranger 

10 Grandfather Whitehead 

11 Richard III 

12 Love's Sacrifice 

13 The Gamester 

14 A Cure for the Heartache 

15 The Hunchback 

16 Don Csesar de Bazan 

VOL. III. 

17 The Poor Gentleman 

18 Hamlet 

19 Charles II 

20 Venice Preferred 

21 .^izarro 

23 The Love Chase 

23 Othello 

24 Lend me Five Shillings 

VOL. IV. 

25 Virginius 

26 King of the Commons 

27 London Assurance 

28 The Bent Day 

29 Two Gentlemen of Verona 

30 The Jealous Wife 

31 The Rivals 

32 Perfection 

VOL. V. [Debts 

33 A New Way to Pay Old 

34 Look Before You Leap 

85 King John 

86 Nervous Man 

37 Damon and Pythias 

38 Clandestine Marriage 

39 William Tell 

40 Day after tLo Wedding 

VOL. VI. 

41 Speed the Plough 

42 Romeo and Juliet 

43 Feudal Time3 

44 Charles the Twelfth 

45 The Bridal 

46 The Follies of a Night 

47 Iron Chest [Fair Lady 

48 Faint Heart Never Won 

VOL. VII. 

49 Road to Ruin 

60 Macbeth 

61 Temper 
52 Evadne 

63 Bertram 

64 The Duenna 

65 Much Ado About Nothing 
56 The Critio 

VOL. VIII. 

67 The Apostate 

68 Twelfth Night 

69 Brutus 

60 Simpson & Co 

61 Merchant of Venice 

62 Old Headsfc Young Hearts 

63 Mountaineers [ri^ge 

64 Three Weeks after Mar- 

VOL. IX. 

65 Love 

66 As You Like It 

67 The Elder Brother 

68 Werner 

69 Gisippus 

70 Town and Country 

71 King Lear 

72 Blue Devils 

VOL. X. 

73 Henry VIII 

74 Married and Single 
75HeniT IV 
76Paul>ry 

77 Guy Mannering 

7.8 Sweethearts and Wive* 

79 Serious Family 

80 She Sto(.ps to Conquer 



VOL. XI. 

81 Julius Csesar 

82 Vicar of Wakefield 

83 Leap Year 

84 The Catspaw 

85 The Passing Clout* 

86 Drunkard 

87 Rob Roy 

88 George Barnwell 

VOL. XII. 

89 Ingomar 
93 Sketches in India 

91 Two Friends 

92 Jane Shore 

93 Corsican Brothers 

94 Mind your owji Business 

95 Writing on the Wall 

96 Heir at Law 

VOL. XIII. 

97 Scidier's Daughter 
t»S Douglas 
99 Marco Spada 

100 Nature's Nobleman 

101 Sardanapalus 

102 Civilization 

103 The Robbers 

104 Katharine and Petruchio 

VOL, XIV. 

105 Game of Love 

106 Midsummer Night's 

107 Ernestine [Dream 

108 Rag Picker of Paris 

109 Flying Dutchman 

110 Hypocrite 

111 Therese 

112 La Tour de Nesle 

VOL. XV. 

113 Ireland As It Is 

114 Sea of Ice 

115 Seven Clerks 

116 Game of Life 

117 Forty Thieves 

118 Bryan Boroihme 

119 Romance and Reality 

120 Ugolino 

VOL. XVI. 

121 The Tempest 

122 The Pilot 

123 Carpenter of Rouen 

124 King's Rival 

125 Little Treasure 

126 Doinbey and Son 

127 Parents and Guardians 

128 Jewess 

VOL. XVII 

129 Camille 

130 Married Life 

131 Weulock of Wenlock 

132 Rose of Ett-ickvale 

133 David Co. afield 

134 Aline, or .3 Rose of 

135 Pauline [Killarney 

136 Jane Eyre 

VOL. XVIII. 

137 Night and Morning 
i38^®thiop 

139 Three Guardsmen 

140 Tom Cringle 

141 Henriette, the Forsaken 

142 Eustache Baudin 

143 Ernest Maltravers 

144 Bold Dragoons 

\ i).V XIX. 

145 Dre 1 ., oi the Dismal 

[ Swamp 

146 Last Days of Pompeii 

147 Esmeralda 

148 Peter Wilkins 

149 Ben tb<3 Boatswain 

150 Jonathan Bradford 

151 Retribution 

152 Minerali 

VOL. XX. 

153 French Spy 

154 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 

155 Evil Genius 

156 Ben Bolt 

157 Sailor of France 

158 Red Mask 

159 Life of an Actress 
ISO Wedding Day 



[Moscow 



>^ 



I VOL. XXI. 

161 All's Fair in Love 
|162 Hofer 
1163 Self 

164 Cinderella 

165 Phantom 

166 Franklin 

167 The Gunmaker of 

168 The Love of a Prince 

VOL. XXII. 

169 Son of the Night 

170 RoryO' More 

171 Golden Eagle 

172 Rienzi 

173 Broken Sword 

174 Rip Van Winkle 

175 IsabeTle 

176 Heart of Mid Lothian 
VOL. XXIII. 

177 Actress of Padua 

178 Floating Beacon 

179 Bride of Lamermoor 

180 Cataract of the Ganges 

181 Robber of the Rhine 

182 School of Reform 

183 Wandering Boys 

184 Mazeppa 

VOL. XXIV. 

185 Young New York 

186 The Victinn 

187 Romance after Marriage 

188 Brigand 

189 Poor of New York 

190 Ambrose Gwinett 

191 Raymond and Agnes 

192 Gambler's Fate 

VOL. XXV. 

193 Father and Son 

194 Massaniello 

1 95 Sixteen String Jack 

196 Youthful Queen 

197 Skeleton Witness 

198 Innkeeper of Abbeville 

199 Miller and his Men 

200 Aladdin 
VOL. XXVI. 

201 Adrienne the Actress 

202 Undine 

203 Jessie Brown 

204 Asmodeus 

205 Mormons 

206 Blanche of Brandywine 

207 Viola 

208 Deseret Deserted 
VOL. X\ VII, 

Americans in Paris 

210 Victorine 

211 Wizard of the Wave 

212 Castle Spectre 
Horse-shoe Robinson 

214 Armand, Mrs Mowatt 

215 Fashion, Mrs Mowatt 
16 Glance at New York 

VOL. XXVIII. 

217 Inconstant 

218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 

219 Guide to the Stage 
"20 Veteran 

221 Miller of New Jersey 

222 Dark Hour before Dawn 

223 Midsum'rNight'sDream 
[Laura Keene's Edition 

224 Art and Artifice 
VOL. XXIX 

225 Poor Young Man 

226 Ossawattoniie Brown 

227 Pope of Rome 

228 Oliver Twist 

229 Pauvrette 

230 Man in the Iron Mask 
31 Knight of Arva 

232 Moll Pitcher 
VOL. XXX. 

233 Black Eyed Sus^n 

34 Satan iu Paris 

35 Rosin-, Meadows [ess 

236 West End, or Irish Heir- 

237 Sir Degrees of Crime 

238 Th. Lad; and the Devil 

239 Avenger,or Moor of biei- 
2*0 Masks and Faces Jlv 



Catalogue continued on third pag e of c over.) 



VOL XXXI 

241 Merry Wives of Windsor 

242 Mary's Birthday 

243 Shandy Maguire 

244 Wild Oats 

245 Michael Erie 

246 Idiot Witness 

247 Willow Copse 

248 People's Lawyer 

VOL. XXXII. 

249 The Boy Martyrs 

250 Lucretia Borgia 

251 Surgeon of Paris 

252 Patrician's Daughter 

253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 

254 Momentous Question 

255 Love and Loyalty 

256 Robber's Wife 

VOL. XXXIII. 

257 Dumb Girl of Genoa 

258 Wreck Ashore 

259 Clari 

260 Rural Felicity 

261 Wallace 

262 Madelaine 

263 The Fireman 

264 Grist to the Mill 

VOL. XXXIV. " 

265 Two Loves and a Life 

266 Annie Blake 

267 Steward 

268 Captain Kyd 

269 Nick of the Woods 

270 Marble Heart 

271 Second Love 

272 Dream at Sea 

VOL. XXXV. 

273 Breach of Promise 

274 Review 

275 Lady of the Lake 

276 Still Water Runs Deep 

277 The Scholar 

278 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 

280 Last Man 
VOL. XXXVI. 

281 Belle's Stratagem 

282 Old and Young 

283 Raffaella 

284 Ruth Oakley 

285 British Slave 

286 A Life's Ransom 

287 Giralda 

288 Time Tries All -, 
VOL. XXXVII. * 

289 Ella Rosenburg 

290 Warlock of the Glen 

291 Zelina 

292 Beatrice 

293 Neighbor Jackwood 

294 Wonder 

295 Robert Emmet 

296 Green Bushes 

VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 Flowers of. the Forest 

298 A Bachelor of Arts 

299 The Midnight Banquet 

300 Husband of an Hour 

301 Love's Labor Lost 

302 Naiad Queen 

303 Caprice 

304 Cradle of Liberty 

VOL. XXXIX. 

305 The Lost Ship 

306 Country Squire 

307 Fraud and its Viotims 

308 Putnam 

309 King and Deserter 

310 La Fiammina 

311 A Hard Struggle 

312 Gwinnette Vaughan 

VOL. XL. 

313 The Love Knot [Judge 

314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 

315 The Noble Heart 
3l6Coriolanus 

317 The Winter's Tale 

3|8 Eveleei Wilson 

3l9Ivanhoe 

320 Jouatt in In England 



No. CCCLXIII. 

FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 



• » » 




:s T 



AND ALL'S IHUMB 



%n ©rigiiwl ®0nuirg, in Cljra Slris, 

By W. S. GILBERT, 

(Member of the Dramatic Autiwrs' Society.) 

AUTHOR OF 

Dulcamara, or the Little Duck and the Great Quack ; Allow me to Explain; 
Highly Improbable ; Harlequin Cock Robin and Jenny Wren : La Vivandiere, 
or True to the Corps ; The Merry Zingara, or the Tipsy Gipsy and the Pipsy 
Wipsy ; No Cards (German Reed's); Robert the Devil, or the Nun, the Dun, 
and the Son of a Gun ; The Pretty Druidess, or the Mother, the Maid, and the 
Mistletoe Bough ; An old Score ; Ages Ago (German Reed's;; The Princess, a 
Whimsical Allegory ; The Gentlemen in Black ; Our Island Home (German 
Reed's); Palace of Trutti ; A Sensation Novel in Three Volumes (German 
Reed's); &c., &c. 



NEW YORK: 

SAMUEL FRENCH & SON, PUBLISHERS, 

122 Nassau Street. 






First performed at the Opening of the Royal Court Theater, under the 
management, of Miss M. Litton, 25th January, 1871. 



CAST- OF CHARACTERS.— [Randall's Thumb.] 



DR. TROTWAY, - - 
JOE BANGLES, - - - 
RANDALL, .... 
BUCKTHORPE, - - - 
MR. SCANTLEBURY, 
MR. FLAMBOYS, - - 
CUMMING, .... 

CLENCH, 

EDITH TEMPLE, - - 
MRS. SCANTLEBURY, 
MISS SPINN, - * - 
MRS. FLAMBOYS, - - 



Royal Court. 

Mr. H. Mellon. 

Mr. Edward Righton. 

Mr. W. Belfoed. 

Mr. Hermann Vezin. 

Mr. Frank Matthews. 

Mr. Astley. 

Mr. Parry. 

Mr. Jarvis. 

Miss Kate Bishop. 

Mrs. Stephens. 

Miss Maggie Brennan. 

Miss Eleanor Bufton. 



Wallaces, N. Y. 

Mr. M. Lanagan. 
Mr. J. H. Stoddart. 
Mr. Chas. Fisher. 
Mr. B. T. Ringgold. 
Mr. John Gilbert. 
Mr. Owen Marlowe. 
Mr. W. J. Leonard. 
Mr. J. Peck. 
Mrs. Clara Jennings. 
Mrs. John Sefton. 
Miss Emily Mestayeh. 
Miss Effie Germon. 



ACT I.— GARDENS OF BEACHINGTON HOTEL. 

ACT ir.— THE CLUMP ROCKS. 
ACT in.— GARDENS OF BEACHINGTON HOTEL. 

Scenery by Mr. Brine wood Potts and Assistants. 



Modern Seaside Dresses. Randalls dress rather seedy arid pretentious. 



Time in representation, two hours and a half. 

GIFT 

EST. OF J. H. CORNING 

JUNE 20. 1940 



RAND ALL'S THUMB. 



ACT I. 

SCENE.— Gardens of Beachington Hotel Entrance to hotel, i- ', garden 
table and two chairs, r. ; table and chair, l. ; gong at entrance to hotel ; visi- 
tors' book on it. tabic ; entrance to hotel garden, c. ; sea view. 

Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys discovered sitting at table r., but apart, as if they 
had quarreled — enter Mr. Bangles, from hotel. 

Bangles [l.] Ha, Flamboys ! How d'ye do, Mrs. Flamboys? [Aside.] 
Holla.' another row '( It's a most extraordinary thing that these 
young people should quarrel as they do. Flamboys is a capital 
fellow. Mrs. Flamboys is a pretty and agreeable woman. And they 
don't speak half-a-dozen words a day. 

Flamboys [e., yawning.'] Oh, dear! oh, dear ! It's awfully slow here ! 
I say, Bangles, don't you find it awfully slow? 

Bang Slow ? No ! 

Flamb Ah, you're a single man; that makes all the difference at a 
watering place. 

Bang It does make a difference, no doubt, but it seems to me that 
the advantage is all on your side. 

[Boiving to Mrs. Flamboys, c. 

Flamb Unsophisticated soul ! May that fond delusion never be dis- 
turbed. You're a bachelor — take an old stager's advice and keep so. 
[Mrs. Flamboys rises, in a huff, and retires up. 

Bang [Crossing to Flamboys.] My boy, I don't like to hear any man 
talk like that. It's excusable in a half-fledgod griff, with a pocket 
full of dangerous money and a body full of dangerous tastes, but a 
married man who speaks as you speak is a traitor of his order. 
You've taken the shilling — stick to your colors like a man— and don't 
damn the service because you don't happen to hit it off with your 
commanding officer. 

Flamb My dear fellow, who does hit it off with his commanding 
officer ? 

Bang Bosh ! That's the foolish fast sham-cynical cant of the day. 
I've heard many a youngster speak as you speak, and I've lived long 
enough to see nearly all of them happy husbands and happy fathers, 
Those who stick to the professions of their youth are those whom no 
decent woman would have. . 



4 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Mrs Flamboys [l.] But it seems strange that so ardent an advocate 
of married life should have lived single so long. 

Bang [a] It s no fault of mine, Mrs. Fiamboys — I should have 
been married thirty years ago, if I'd had my way — to a lady twenty 
years older than myself ! Perhaps it's as well that I didn't. 
Flumb Quite, I'm sure. 

Bang But I've turned the corner some time now, and I'm going 
down-hill pretty quickly, and I — I often wish, Mrs. Flamboys, that I 
had some one to put the skid on for me, and let me down easily. An 
old man feels the want of a wife more than a young one dors, depend 
upon that. It's no joke to look forward to a solitary old age with 
death in apartments at the end of it; and the only symptom of 
regret, the demand made by your landlady on your executors for 
compensation on account of the house having got an ill name from 
your Laving died in it. 

Flamb Well, if an old stager's example can be of any service in 
inducing you to come to a practical conclusion on the subject, you're 
quite welcome to it ! How long do you propose to stay at Beach 
iDgton ? 

Bang Stay ? All the autumn— all the winter, perhaps. It's a 
delightful place. By Jove, sir, it suits me down to the ground. 
When I see a face I like. I want to speak to it; and at Beachington 
one can do that without fear of a snub. I've lived in London for the 
last three months, and I haven't made three acquaintances. I have 
been here three weeks and I've made thirty. I like most faces. By 
Jove, I like yours— though you do talk infernal nonsense. 

[Sha/cing hands with Flamboys. 

Mrs F [Seated, l.] Strange taste ! 

Bang And I like your wife's. 

Flamb You're easily satisfied. 

Bang I don't dislike Scantlebury's face. 

Mrs F And Mrs. Scantlebury's. 

Bang Well— yes, and Mrs. Scantlebury's. 

Mrs F Take care, Mr. Bangles— she's a bride ! 

Bang Oh, don't misunderstand me— it's purely aesthetic— purely 
aesthetic. I admire Mrs. Scantlebury as I admire a painting. 

MrsF Oh, I see ! If you look upon Mrs. Scantlebury as a painting, 
I admit that there is some color for your admiration. 

Bang Ha, ha! you're severe on the bride, Mrs. Flamboys— but I 
say — how does she doit? 

Mrs F Indeed I don't know— you had better ask Mr. Scantlebury. 

Flamb Oh, he don't know. He's not been married long enough. 
Husbands learn these things slowly and by degrees. Mr. Scantle- 
bury has only been married a fortnight, and 1 suppose that at the 
present moment he's at that stage of discovery which takes the form 
of a puzzled wonder why the deuce his wile will keep her dressing- 
case locked. He'll find out all about it some day. At least I did. 

Mrs F Mr. Flamboys ! How dare you say such a thing ? 

Flamb Well, and whom else do you admire ? There's Trotway. 

Bang Oh, Jack Trotway, of course. Whv, Jack Trotway is the 
oldest and dearest friend I have in the world. We were at school 
together— walked Guy's together— entered the Service together as 
Assistant Surgeons-left it together as Inspectors of Hospital*. 

Flamb And Miss Temple, his niece ? 



EANDALL'S THUMB. 6 

Bang Edith Temble ! Yes, yes ! God bless her— I like Edith 
Temple's face. Oh, yes, I like Edith's face. 

Mrs F Well, then there's Miss Spinn. 

Bang Weil, and I like— no, hang it, I do not like Miss Spinn. 

[Takes stage, E. 

Mrs F But that's very ungrateful, Mr. Bangles, for I'm sure she 
likes you. Why, you are always together ! 

Bang [a] Always together, ma'am ? We are the Siamese twins in 
everything but physical union ! If we were physically united, a 
surgical operation might separate us; as it is, I'm not aware of any 
operation — surgical or otherwise — that will keep us asunder. That 
woman's the pest of my life. 

Flamb I wonder you stand it. 

Bang Stand it? Confound it, you don't want me to strangle the 
woman, do you ? 

Flamb No, that would be an extreme measure. I shouldn't try 
that until all other means had failed. 

Bang All other means have failed. Sir, the woman is too old a 
hand. She comes to attack me armed with an experience which I 
suppose is utterly unexampled. What is a simple-minded Indian to 
do with a woman who in her time has been a governess, a lady's 
companion, or Crimean nurse, a columbine, a missionary, a vivan- 
diere, a stewardess, and a Bloomer ? 

Enter Miss Spinn from hotel. 

Miss S [l. c] Talking about me, Mr. Bangles, as usual ? [Aside 
to Bangles.] Oh, you indiscreet man ! 

Bang [r. c] Yes, ma'am, I have been talking about you. I'm not 
aware that there are any secrets between us. 

Miss S [Aside to Bangles.] Very judiciously passed off. [Aloud.] 
Secrets? Certainly not. 1 haven't a secret in the world! Yes, 
Mrs. Flamboys, in my time, I've been everything, by turns — 

Flamb [r.] Except a wife. 

Miss S And nothing long. 

Bang Except a spinster . 

Mrs F [l., mischievously.] Do you know, Miss Spinn? I often won- 
der, that with your love of change, it has never entered your head to 
get married ? Mr. Bangles was just saying so as you came in ! 

Bang I, ma'am ? Hang it, Mrs. Flamboys — 

Miss S. Dear Joe! [Aside to Bangles.] Oh, you imprudent boy! 
[Aijud.] Mrs. Flamboys, I will tell you a secret. [Confidentially.] 
It has entered my head to get married ! 

Mrs F Impossible ! [Exit Bangles, unperceived, r. u. e. 

3Iiss S But true. Over and over I have said to myself, " It is my 
duty to marry . " But whom? There's my diiiiciilty. 

Flamb Yes — I see your difficulty. 

Miss S He must be a good man he must be a rich man — he must 
be a man of exquisite taste, and his admiration for me must be un- 
bounded. Now, it ian t easy to find this combination of qualities in 
one individual. 

Flamb That I can quite understand. 

Miss S Exactly. Above ail, he must be furiously jealous, in order 
to — to-- 

Mrs F To curb your love of change ? 



6 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

3fiss S Exactly. When I find such a man, I will throw myself 
into his arms, and I will say, u Take me, and be happy !" 

Mrs F But would not that he rather abrupt ? 

Miss S What, the remark? Oh, of course, as I put it; but I am 
assuming that he has led up to it. 

Flamb But that's begging the question. 

Miss S Oh, but that s often done. 

Flamb I believe it is. It was in my case. 

Mrs F Mr. Flam boys ! 

Flamb Ah ! [Sighs. 

Mrs F Ah ! [Sighs.] Brute ! 

Miss S Um ! Pleasant people, these. [Aloud.] But Mr. Bangles — 
where's Mr. Bangles ? 

Ilamb Gone. 

Miss S Gone ? Why, do you know, I came here on purpose to find 
him? 

Flamb No ! 

Miss S I did, indeed. I'm organizing a pic-nic to the Clump 
Rocks this day week, and I want Mr. Bangles to help me. 

Mrs F Well, Miss Spinn, Mr. Bangles went off very quietly, directly 
you came 

Miss S Very quietly ? 

Mrs F Very. 

Miss S As if he didn't wish to be observed ? 

Flamb Exactly. 

Miss S Sly old gentleman — he meant me to follow him. Silly fel- 
low; as if there's anything to be ashamed of in our liking each other's 
society. But these Indians are so sly. Which way did he go ? Into 
the grove ? Thank you. Good morning. 

[Exit Miss Spinn, r. u. e. — Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys rush into each other's 

arms. 

Flamb My darling— now, at last, we are alone ! [Kisses her. 

Re-enter Miss Spinn — they disengage. 

Miss S I beg your pardon — I forgot to.askif I might put your name 
down ? 

Flamb Oh, certainly. 

Miss S And Mrs. Flamboys ? 

Flamb [Brusquely.] Oh, she don't want to go. She's got nothing to 
go in. Besides, a pic-nic is no fun, when one's wife is there. 

Mrs F Indeed, but I shall go, if I have to wear my alpaca. Put 
me down, if you please, Miss Spinn, as well as Mr. Flamboys. [To 
Flamboys.] Brute! 

Mm S That's right. It will be delightful if we have a fine day. 
Now for Mr. Bangles. [Exit Miss Spinn, r. u. e. 

Mrs F There, now — she saw you kiss me ! — It'll be all over the 
hotel ! 

Flamb But, My darling pet, you are my wife ! 

Mrs F Certainly, dear. But husbands don't avail themselves of 
every opportunity of kissing their wives, after they have been mar- 
ried five years. It's all very well at first, but people cool down. 

Fl/mb Ah, it's so difficult to remember the dreary fiction that we've 
been married five years, in face of the delightful fact that we've been 
married only three weeks. 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 7 

Mrs F But you must try, my pet; you must, indeed. Only think, 
if it should be known in the hotel that we are on our honeymoon 
tour ! Why, we shouldn't have a moment's peace ! 

Flamb It would he extremely awkward. Well, I've done all I can 
— I've quarreled with you over and over again in public. I've wor.i 
the oldest boots I could find. I've flirted with every woman I*w 
come across. I've constantly referred to our numerous family, and 
I've never lost an opportunity of eating sage and onions. 

Mrs F My pet, how good of you ! [Kissing him.] Our numerous 
family ! 

Flamb Yes — four? 

Both Ha! ha! 

Mrs F Now, mind— I insist on your being extremely rude to me on 
all public occasions. You must say the unkindest things about my 
dress, and my complexion, and my hair— and you must snub me 
whenever you've an opportunity. 

Flamb My love, I'll be a perfect brute ! 

Mrs F I'm sure you will. Think how much annoyance and obser- 
vation we save ourselves by such a course. Look at those two ridi- 
culous old donkeys, the Scan tlebury s, who are always advertising the 
fact that they are honeymooning, although she's sixty, if she's a day. 
Look at them, with their arms round each other's waists, as if they 
were two-and-twenty ! It's positively indelicate ! 

Flamb Ah ! there are no fools like old ones ! 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Scantlebury, r. u. b., fondling. 

Scant [l. c] Now, my darling, I must insist on your wearing a 
shawl — it's too cold to be out without one. Ah, Mrs. Flamboys ! 
assist me in persuading Frederica that she will certainly catch cold, 
if she don' t wrap herself up. 

Mrs F [Sealed, l.] Oh ! I couldn't presume to dictate to a lady of 
Mrs. Scantlebury's age ! Besides, it is not a cold day. 

Flamb [r.] Not cold? — it' s freezing ! Mr. Scantlebury is quite right. 
It's all very well for you to go about as you do — you're a mere girl ! 
But when you're Mrs. Scantlebury's age, you'll know better, won't 
she, Scan tlebury ? 

Scant [Aside.] These persons are very insufferable ! 

Mrs F And when Mr. Scantlebury has been married as long as we 
have, he will only trouble himself about one circumstance connected 
with Mrs. Scantlebury's toilette. 

Scant And that is — ? 

Mrs L That it is regulated with a due regard to economy. Such, at 
least, is my experience. [Looking savagely at Flamboys. 

Ram There you are — at it again ! Nag — nag— nag all day long ! 

Mrs F Then you should give me somethiug fit to wear ! Will you 
believe me, Mrs. Scantlebury, when I tell you that he hasn't given 
me a single dress since my marriage ! I am positively wearing out 
my trousseau at this moment ! 

'Scant Oh, Flamboys ! I'm ashamed of you ! 

Mrs Scant Oh, Mr. Flamboys, we're ashamed of you. 

Flam Ah ! wait till you' ve been married five years ! You are young 
at ifc just now, and you're carried away by enthusiasm. It's astonish- 
ing how that sort of thing dies out ! 

Mrs Scant Horace, assure me that this sort of thing will not die out, 



8 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Tell me that you will always— always— always—love me as you do 
now! 

Scant Frederica, do you doubt me ? 

Mrs Scant No — I cannot doubt those eyes ! [Gazing at him. 

Scant My own ! 

Mrs Scant My love ! 

Flamb [Aside.] Old fools! [Aloud.] Ah! when I married Mrs. Flam- 
boys, I believed in all that. 

Mrs F So did I— but I have been bitterly undeceived ! Oh, Mrs. 
Scantlebury ! it is a pleasant thing to dream that the honeymoon is 
to last for life !— but it is a terrible thing to awake and find that you 
have married an icicle ! [ Weeps. 

Mrs Scant Horace, is it possible that you are an icicle in disguise ? 

Scant If I were, what would become of me before the blaze of those 
radiant eyes ? 

Mrs Scant Go, flatterer ! 

Scant My own ! 

Mrs Scant My love ! 

Flamb Oh, this is intolerable ! 

Scant Mr. Flamboys, you must excuse us if we are a little effusive. 
This is the most interesting period of our existence. I dare say, now, 
that under similar circumstances you went on just as we do now ? 

Flamb I dare say; but really, it's so long ago that I haidiy remem- 
ber. I've no doubt we made ourselves excessively ridiculous. Newly- 
married people always do. [Lighting cigar. 

Mrs Scant Mrs. Flamboys, do you allow Mr. Flamboys to smoke ? 

Mrs F Oh, he can do as he likes ? 

Mrs Scant Mr. Scantlebury never smokes. 

Mrs F Nor did Mr. Flamboys under Mr. Scantlebury' s interesting 
circumstances. But all that is changed now ! 
[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys, unobserved by the Scantleburys, r. u.e. 

Mrs Scant Horace, is it possible that the time will ever come when 
you will be so indifferent to my wishes as to degenerate into a highly- 
flavored smoker ? 

Scant Frederica, the man who, in pursuance of any selfish indulgence, 
would fly in the face of his wife's expressed wishes, 1 hold to be no 
better than a — [Looking round, and changing his tone.] Oh ! we are alone. 

[Lights a cigar. 

Mrs Scant Eh? Oh ! Now, Mr. Scantlebury, did you hear what that 
young man said ? Did you hear him say that I was making myself ex- 
cessively ridiculous ? 

Scant Yes, I heard that. 

Mrs Scant And are you going to permit that young man to insult 
me with impunity ? 

Scant What do you propose that I should do to that young man ? 

Mrs Scant I ask you — is such a remark to pass unchallenged ? 

Scant Oh, I've no objection to challenge the remark. But really, 
considering that this is our -thirty-fifth wedding-day— 

Mrs Scant Mr. Scantlebury ! I believe we agreed that the first thirty- 
four were to go for nothing. 

Scant Go for nothing ! Have I passed through thirty-four years of 
married life with you to be told that I am to consider that they have 
gone for nothing ? 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 9 

Mrs Scant Certainly. I am a bride; you are a bridegroom. Why, 
bless my heart, one's nobody at Beachington if one isn't a bride ! 

Scant Then am I nobody ! 

Mrs Scant, Do you think that I should be the central attraction at 
Beachington if it were not supposed that 1 am newly married 

Scant No. 

Mrs Scant My attractions are fading. 

Scant I hey are. « 

Mrs Scant I am not so young as I was. 

Scant I don' t agree with you there. You' ve been thirty-nine for the 
last twenty years. 

Mrs Scant [Bitterly.] Ah — but you are my husband ! [Civsses to l. 

Scant I am convinced of it. 

Mrs Scant And a very pretty husband you are. 

Scant Go, little flatterer ! 

Mrs Scant Now, once for all, Mr. Scantiebury, let us understand one 
another. I choose to be looked upon as a bride, for i cannot do with- 
out attention, and I will not do without attention. The doctor has 
ordered it for rue. Therefore, I prefer to have it supposed that we 
are a newly-married couple, and you will be good enough to give your 
countenance to my scheme. And a very pretty countenance it is! 

[L'xit MRS. SCAN'TLEEURY, R. 

Scant Incredible as it may appear, that was a very pleasant woman 
— live and-thirty years ago. So I'm a bridegroom again ! I wish I 
was! Well, the fiction has its advantages. It makes Mrs. Scantle- 
bury extremely pleasant in public — and I contrive to keep in public 
as much as I can. It's hard when it comes to dancing with Mrs. 
Scantiebury, as I did last night; but she don't dance long at a time. 

[Retires up. 

Enter Randall, C, followed by Claiming, atvaiter, with very large seedy 
portmanteau and a new smart valise — then Buckthorpe, who sits on bench 
at the back of the stage. 

Rand Very good; then take the large portmanteau to thirty five. 

Camming The one with very little in it, sir? 

Rand [r.] What the devil is it to you what's in it ? Don't shake it 
about like that ! Take it up stairs, and carry it carefully. Mind, if the 
side comes out I hold you responsible. [Exit CmnnsQ into hotel.] What's 
this, the visitors' book? [Opens and reads.] "Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys, 
Scarborough ; Miss Spinn, Ilookham; Mr. and Mrs. Scantiebury on 
their" — ha! ha, — "on their honeymoon." [/Sc^Scantllbury.] I beg 
your pardon. 

Scant [a] I am Mr. Scantiebury, sir. [With dignity. 

Rand Oh, indeed ! On your honeymoon? 

Scant Yes, sir, on my honeymoon. 

Rand Ha, ha ! 

Scant I see nothing to laugh at, sir? 

Rand Of course you don't — it's a devilish serious position for you, 
But don't you find it amuses your friends ? 

Scant No, sir, I do not find that it amuses my friends. 

Rand They must be bull-dogs. 

Scant I believe there is nothing to be ashamed of in the fact that I 
am on my honeymoon ? 



10 RANDALL'S THUMB, 

Rand Nothing at all. Quite the reverse. It's very creditable to 
you at your time of life. 

Scuni Society, sir, I believe, could not be carried on without hon- 
eymoons. 

Rand Quite out of the question. You're a martyr in a good cause. 

Scant [Aside.'] This fellow is laughing at me. He shall see that I'm 
not to be trifled with. [Grossss to u., then aloud.] Good morning, sir. 

[Exit, n. 

Rand Ha, ha ! [Refers to book.] "Joseph Bangles, M. D., late Ben- 
gal Army. Dr. Trotway and neice." Good. [Aside.] They are here. 

Buck [Coming down, l.J Well, now that you've brought me all the 
way down to Beachington, perhaps you'll let me know what you 
want with me. 

Rmd I want you to help me to carry out a scheme by which 1 
shall make a pot of money. 

Buck Suppose I refuse ? 

Rand But you won't refuse; you can't belp yourself. Do you re- 
member tbe night of the 14th of August, 18S9 ? 

Buck I'm not likely to forget it. 

Rand Probably not. We don't commit murders every day. At 
least, I don't. 

Buck It was no murder, and you know it. I was attacked by a 
stranger in the dark, at the edge of Banton Cliff, and in self-defense I 
struck at him with a sword-stick. 

Rand You did. He fell over the cliff and was killed. At my sug- 
gestion you left Englaud that night. The body was found, and your 
victim proved to be a highly respectable commercial traveler named 
Peters, and a coroner's jury, having the fact of the sword-thrust 
strongly before their eyes, returned a verdict of *' Willful Murder " 
against some person or persons unknown. 

Buck In the sight of heaven I am innocent. 

Rand No doubt. But in the sight of the law you are guilty. A 
reward of three hundred pounds is offered for your apprehension. 
I could earn that three hundred pounds this evening. I am extreme- 
ly hard up. The letters you wrote to me from Dijon, identifying 
you with the man who caused his death, are in my pockets, and the 
local police station is next door. 

Buck You know that I am innocent of any crime. 

Rand Stop ! What do yoa understand by the word " crime?" 

Buck An offence against the law. 

Rand Childish ! A crime is that unfortunate combination of cir- 
cumstances which induces a jury to return a verdict of guilty. Be- 
lieve me, I speak from experience. But don't be afraid — 1 don't in- 
tend to inform against you. I want you: you are valuable to me. 

Buck You are very good. 

Rand Not at all. 

Buck Well, perhaps not. 

Rand I am sure not. Now for the work that I want you to do. 

Buck Disagreeable, I suppose ? 

Rand Very. There's an extremely nice girl with thirty-eight 
thousand pounds, stopping in this hotel, and I want you to make 
love to her. 

Buck Why don't you do it yourself? 

Rand Do vou think I should be successful ? 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 11 

Buck [Looking at Mm coolly.'] No. Why am I to do this ? 

Rand To explain that, I must go back to the history of my mar- 
riage. 

Buck I thought you were a bachelor? 

Rand So do a good many others — but I'm not. 

Buck Heaven help your wife ! 

Rand Heaven has. She is no more * " . 

Buck Was she pretty ? 

Rand Very. f 

Buck What did she die of? 

Rand Old age. 

Buck You said she was pretty ? 

Rand She was—but that was long before I was born or thought of. 
I met her at Beachmgton three years ago— she was then seventy- 
nine. She was a very affectionate old lady; and, as I found she had 
money, I proposed to her then and there, and then and there she 
accepted me. Within three days we were married 

Buck Sharp work ! 

Rand It was sharp. But when the bride is seventy-nine, time is 
the essence of the contract. Two hours after the ceremony, the tran- 
quil joys of my honeymoon were interrupted by the information that 
I was wanted for felony. I bolted. 

Buck With your wife ? 

Rand No. She had many recommendations, but rapidity of niove- 
nient was not one of them. She only felt herself equal to a Bath 
chair — under the circumstances, I preferred the limited mail. So 
we were separated — cause, incompatibility of locomotion. The old 
lady, ashamed, no doubt, of her husband, kept her marriage secret, 
and six weeks after she died of inanition. Well, her will was opened, 
and by it she left all her property— thirty-eight thousand pounds— to 
her niece. But as the will was dated six months before her marriage 
with me, it was to all intents and purposes a worthless document. 
That is the money that I want you to help me to recover. 

Buck But if your story is true, why don't you take legal proceed- 
ings to recover it ? 

Rand Because, my child of nature, if I rely on the simple truth of 
my story — every word of which I am in a position to prove — the cir- 
cumstances are so remarkable, that public attention will be directed 
to it, and the fact will come out that I am the unfortunate individ- 
ual who, under another name, left this hotel for Liverpool five min- 
utes before two detectives from Scotland Yard entered it in search of 
me. That contingency, my unsophisticated shepherd, you will under- 
stand I am anxious to avoid. So, my lamb, I want to give out that 
the old lady and I were friends of some years' standing; but in order 
to do this, I must know something about her previous history — her 
friends— her way of living — her movements— and so forth — of which 
I happen to know nothing whatever. So I want you to establish a 
flirtation with this girl, in order that you may be able to extract 
from her such information on these points as shall enable me to concoct 
a rather less violent account of my marriage with her 

Buck And if I refuse ? 

Rand If you refuse, I shall have to content myself with three hun- 
dred pounds instead of thirty-eight thousand. 

Buck It's a dirty job ! 



12 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Rand Not at all. If my story is true, I am entitled to the money. 

Buck Yes— if it's true ! 

Rand Mv simple lad, you can ascertain its truth by reference to 
the register of St. Jude's, in this parish. After all, you are only help- 
ing me to my own. It's a roundabout way of doing it, but as it's a 
matter of life and death to you, you are not likely to be squeamish 
on that point. [Aside.] This must be Dr. Trctway. 

Enter Dr. Trotway, through c. from l., smoking. 

[Aloud.] I'm going to the post-office. I shall be back directly. Have 
you got a light ? [Crossing to l. — taking out cigar-case. 

Buck [l.] No. You know I don't smoke. 

Trot [r.] Allow me to offer you one. [Offers lighted cigar. 

Rand [a] Thank you. Eh ! Not Dr. Trotway ? 
' Trot Yes. Should I know you? 

Rand I had the pleasure of meeting you, many years ago, at your 
regimental mess in — in — 

Trot Kurrachee ? 

Rand Karrachee. Don't remember me, I dare say ? No ! I had no 
whiskers then. This is my old chum, Reggy Buckthorpe— late 24th. 
We shall meet at dinner, I dare say. Good morning ! 

[Exit Randall through gate, c, and off, l. 

Trot Don't know his face; dont want to. Friend seems a decent 
fellow. [Aloud.] 24th — eh— Mr. Buckthorpe ? Knew them very well 
in the Punjuab; but that's before your time. 

Buck Yes. I joined in '02— left in '68. 

Trot Half pay ? 

Buck No. Sold out. 

Trot [Aside.] Bad! 

Buck Hard up. 

Trot Good ! Like a man who owns to that. 

Enter Edith, r. u. e. 

Edith [r.] Uncle, the pic-nic promises to be a great success. 

Buck [l., astonished.] Edith! 

Edith Mr. Buckthorpe ! 

Buck How strange that we should meet thus ! 

Trot [a] Eh? Why, what's this ? You are old friends? 

Edith Oh, yes! I had the pleasure of knowing Mr. Buckthorpe 
some years ago, before papa's death. I then went to India, and we 
have never met since. I am very glad to see you. 

Trot So am I. I don't know you, sir ; but as a friend of my poor 
brother's, I am heartily glad to make your acquaintance. Are you 
making a long stay ? 

Buck Well, yes— some weeks, I think. 

Troi That's right ! Then we shall see something of each other. I 
must be off to join Bangles. We are going to take shootings here, 
and we shall be delighted to give you a gun. Good morning, Mr. 
Buckthorpe ? You and Edith can talk over old times. 

[Exit Trotway, r. u. e. 

Buck This is a strange meeting, Edith ! 

Edith It is, indeed, Mr. Buckthorpe ! 

Buck Mr. Buckthorpe ? 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 18 

Edith Yes, We are merely friends now. 

Buck Are — are you married ? 

Edith No. 

Buck Arc you engaged ? 

JEdith No. 

Buck Then you have quite ceased to love me? 

Edith You have no right to ask me that. My poor father forbade 
me even to speak to you again. He is dead. 
. Buck So I heard. He was very hard on me. 

Edith He was very j ust. 

Buck Yes; but it is as hard to distinguish extreme justice from ex- 
treme injustice, as to distinguish extreme heat from extreme cold. I 
was a penniless spendthrift, and I suppose he was right; but it would 
have made a good man of me, if I had married you. 

Edith Was he to know that ? 

Buck No; but yon knew it. 

Edith I believed it. I am sure I could have influenced you. 

Buck Why, from the first day I saw you, my life changed. Dur- 
ing the six months that our acquaintance lasted I was an altered man. 
My soul was full of you, and there was no room for thought of evil 
to enter. I had no time to do wrong. I had never before met a 
woman whom I could love; I have never met one since. You loved me 
then — I know you did. I was amazed — astounded, when I learnt this; 
it opened out a prospect of a new rnd changed life to me; it had 
never entered my head that a good and pure woman could love such 
a man as I. I have known so few, Edith; and those I have known 
have treated me as a hopeless outcast. 

Edith Oh, Mr. Backthorpe ! 

Buck They have had good reason to do so. I never knew either 
father or mother, and my guardian was a strict, cold man, who had 
little sympathy for a boy's errors. I had been left to my own ways 
all my life, to make what associates I pleased, and when I entered 
the service, I was banished to a foreign station, where time hung 
heavily on my hands, and where the devil of mischief had full op- 
portunity of working his worst with me. Under different auspices 
I might have been a different man — I am sure of this, from the influ- 
ence that association with so pure and good a woman as you had over 
me. But I was cut off from the influence of good women, at an age 
when such an influence would have been all-powerful with me. Oh, 
Edith, I am a miserable fellow ! [Sits at table, k. 

Edith [a.] I — I am truly sorry to hear you say this. Mr. Buck- 
thorpe, you pain me deeply. 

Buck After your father dismissed me from your presence, I lived on 
in hope that circumstances — I knew not how — might bring us to- 
gether again. But he died, and you had to join your uncle in India, 
and the sun went down on the only bright .day my miserable life had 
known ! 

Edith Mr. Buckthorpe, it is not fair to tell me all this. When I told 
you that I loved you, I knew nothing of your past li^e— you seemed 
to me to be all that a man should be. I loved you, because you real- 
ized my dream of what a man should be, but when I learnt the 
circumstances of your past career, my eyes were opened to the folly 
of my dream, and if you had died on the day that I owned my love 
for you, I should not have suffered greater anguish. I wept over yon, 



14 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Reginald, as over a dead love. The Reginald of those happy days is 
indeed dead to ine, but his memory lives and can never die [Sits, r. 

Buck But, Edith, you could not say this to me if you had wholly 
ceased to iove me. 

Edith Mr. Buckthorpe, do not mistake me; I love the memory of 
an ideal man. The man I love has no existence — he never lived. I 
love the man whom I believed Reginald Buckthorpe to be. 

Buck I was a good man when we parted — I may say so now, for I 
am good no longer. I look back on those six months in my life as on 
an episode in the life of another man. Edith, have pity on me— give 
me another chance. 

Edith No; I am bound by my father's wishes. He is dead. 

Buck He is dead, and therefore can not recall his words. Were he 
aliv&, and did he know all the circumstances of my unhappy life, 
who shall say that his heart would be steeled against me ? He knew 
nothing, except that my career had been wild, reckless, extravagant. 
He attributed my altered lite to interested hypocrisy — because you 
had wealth, and I was poor: but when he knew me, I was indeed a 
changed man. Edith, you loved me. Where is the man whose heart 
would not be purified by such love as yours ? 

[Edith appears undecided how to act. 

Enter Raxdall from l. and through c. 

Randall [l. , aside to Buckthorpe.] Very good. 

Buck [a] AVhat do you mean ? 

Rand I mean very good. I mean that you've lost no time — you've 
been going it. you babe of nature ! 

Buck I don't understand you. 

Band Don't you? I mean that you've lost no time in commencing 
operations. This is the young lady whose thirty-eight thousand 
pounds I claim. 

Buck Edith Temple ? 

Rand Exactly. Didn't you know that? Introduce me. 

Buck She is a lady. 

Rand You'd better do as I tell you. 

Buck [Reluctantly.] Miss Temple — Mr. Randall. [Retires up. 

Rand Miss Temple, I had the pleasure of' knowing your uncle, Dr. 
Trotway, in India, some years ago. 

Edith Indeed? 

Rand Yes, we renewed our acquaintance this morning. [To Buck- 
thorpe.] I had no idea that Miss Temple and you were acquainted. 

Edith Yes, we are old friends, but we have not met for some years. 

Rand [Aside.] This simplifies matters. Young people who are old 
friends, and who haven't met for some years, generally get very con- 
fidential when they do meet. 

Enter Miss Spixx and BANGLES, r. u. e. 

Ifiss S [r.] Well, we've settled all preliminaries. There are three 
carriages, and a donkey cart, which I am going to drive. 

Edith [a] How many names have you, Miss Spinn ? 

Miss S [Referring to list.] Sixteen. [Edith and Buckthorpe retire up. 

Rand [Crossing to Miss Spixn.] Have you really got sixteen names? 
Fifteen of 'em aliases ! That beats me hollow. * 

Jits /S I really have ! and I want one more to be complete. 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 15 

Bang [Azije. r.] I know you do— mine ! But you won't get it 
[Aloud.] Perhaps these gentlemen will join ; 

Band Certainly— eh, Buckthorpe ? 

8 Oh, but t an i it will throw out all my arrange- 

ments. Never mind, Mr. Bangles,, you and I will charier thedc 
cart. 

Bang Impossible ! 

Bang I don't enjoy riding in donke -ides, we should never 

keep pace with the others, we should drop behind. 

Mis* 8 [Tenderly.'] A little, perhaps — half a mile or so — not more. 
That wouldn't matter a bit ! 

Bang It would sp-il the whole thing, ma'am. It's the essence of 
a thing of this kind that all should arrive at the same moment. 

Mta 8 Then we two will start an boar before the other-, to 1 : I 
everything ready— there, it's quite sealed, Mr. Bang 
you in my trap. 

Band {Aside, l.] Egad, it looks like it ! 

Bang [r. j No, no — it would be better if Edith and I were to go to- 
gether, eh— Edith ': — and — 

Miss S Wouldn't do at all. It would never do to take the only 
young unmarried lady out of the party. Besides, what would peo- 
ple think ? Now, two old fogies like us can do what we like? 

Bang I wish we could. 

Mia 8 Mr. Bangles, I'm shocked at you ? There, that's all set- 
tled, and if these gentlemen will give me their names — 

Band Mr. Piandall — Mr Buckthorpe. 

Buck [a] Excuse me, I can take no part in this excursion. I leave 
for London to-night. 

Enter Dn. Teotwat, r. u. e. 

Edith Oh. Mr. Buckthorpe ! 

Buck. I leave for London to-night. [With deliberation. 

Rand [Aside] Are you mad ? 

Trot [a] What's that I You told me you intended to remain some 
weeks. 

Buck Circumstances have occurred which render necessary my im- 
mediate presence in London. There is a Chancery suit — Involving 
my succession to a large fortune— 

Rind But you knew of that this morning, my bleating lampkin, 
you knew of that this morning. 

Edith [Aside.] Is this on my "account? 

Buck It is. 

Edith Then, on my account, stay. 

Buck I cannot— you don't know all ! 

Rand I^think on reflection you will see that this haste is unneces- 
sary. [Takes him aside.] If you attempt to leave this place until I give 
you permission, I will place your letters in the hands of the local police 
— you know me well. [Aloud.] Ladies and gentlemen, I have the 
pleasure to inform you that 1 have convinced Mr. Buckthorpe that 
his intended departure is unnecessary. He will have much pleasure 
in joining your party. 

Bak^les. Mi=3 S. Teotway. Edits. Randall. .Sucxxbober. 



16 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

ACT II. 

SCENE. — The Clump Rocks. The entrance to a large cave occupies the fore- 
ground of stage, with sea-share in the distance. The entrance from L. is over 
large loose rocks; the entrances, r., arc open; the two large detached rocks in the 
center should be sufficiently flat on their surfaces to serve as tables, and they 
should be surrounded with rough ledges, about eighteen inches high, to serve as 
scats; the sm:Ul detached rock, r., should be about twelve inches high; the 
stage is covered with other rock-work, to mask the rising of the water. 

Servants discovered arranging lunch, superintended by Miss Spinn — Ban- 
gles sitting moodily apart, l., endeavoring to turn out a jelly. 

Miss S Well, Mr. Bangles, how are you getting on with that jelly? 

Bang Ma'am, the con founded thing won't come. 

Miss S Pat it back into tae warm water. [Coming down,] Mr. Ban- 
gles, I often think that I'm very like a jelly. A good and clever 
husband might melt me down and pour me into any mould he pleased. 

Bang Ma'am, it's a privilege of which he would be certain to avail 
himself at the earliest opportunity. But I don't think you'd " turn 
out" well. 

Miss IS Yes, I should, dear. A little gentle warmth— such as I 
apply to this jelly. 

Bang Gentle warmth? Nothing short of perpetual hot water 
would do it. 

Miss S [Crossing to Bangles.] And would you try the hot water? 

Bang I would, indeed, ma am. 

Miss S [Earnestly.] Perpetual hot water ? 

Bang Perpetual hot water. 

Miss S Hot water that would not cool down as time went on ; wa- 
ter that would be always, always hot ? 

Bang Ma'am, it would be as hot as fire could make it. 

Miss S Ardent soul ! We will talk of this again. 

Bang Really, Miss Spinn — 

Miss S Oh, Joseph, I am so happy ! 

Bang Holdup, ma'am, pray -this is extremely awkward. They 
are coming, ma'am, and we shall be caught ! 

Miss S You are right, we must be discreet — we must be very — very 
prudent. I am not angry — indeed, I am not angry, you imprudent, 
headstrong boy ! There, hush, they are coming ; we will speak of 
this again at a more convenient time. Oh, Joseph, I am so happy ! 

Enter Dr. Trotway and Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys, l. , over rocks. 

Bang Miss Spinn, I — that woman would extract a proposal of mar- 
riage from the Pope of Pome ! [Takes stage, r. 

Trot Take care, Mrs. Flamboys, the rocks are very slippery. Well, 
Miss Spinn, you have arranged everything, I see. 

Bang Yes, Miss Spinn has arranged everything. 

Trot I always said she was a capital manager. 

Bang And 1 heartily endorse the observation ! 

Mrs F Here come the turtle-doves. Ah, I wonder how long it will 
last ? [Mr. arid Mrs. Flamboys seat themselves in front of detached rock u 

Enter Me. and Mrs. Scantlebury, ever the rocks, t. 






RANDALL'S THUMB. 17 

Scant Come along, my angel. Ladies and gentlemen, oblige me by 
looking the other way while Mrs. Scantlebury climbs over the rocks. 
[They do so.) Now jump. 

Mrs. Scant. Edward, if anybody is looking, I shall go and drown 
myself ! There. [Jumps 

Flamb May we look now ? ' 

Scant You may. [They stand in an attitude of embrace, c. 

All Beautiful ! 
Miss S Are we all here? 

Enter Randall. 
Rand No, there's Edith to come, and Buckthorpe. I tell vou what 
it is, I vote we don't wait for them. 

Trot We won't wait for them. It will serve them right. Won't 
it, Baugles ? 

Miss S Ob, but that would bv a pity. Suppose, Mr. Bangles, you 
and I start off to meet tlit-m and hurry them on. 

Trot No, no, leave them alone. They must be taught that if they 
choose to separate themselves from the rest of the party, they must 
be prepared to take the consequences. [They seat themselves— Mr,, and 
Mrs. Scantlebury at lower rock. Dr. Trotway at higher rock— Bangles 
onsmcdlrock, r., and Miss Spinn on hamper, between Bangles and Mr. 
Scantlebury— Randall standing c.J Let them lunch together. 

Rand [Aside.] Where shall 1 sit t [Ha makes one or two attempts to sit 
near Mrs. Flamboys and Mrs. Scantlebury, they close up to prevent his 
doing so.] Somehow, I'm afraid I'm nut a favorite here. There's 
Mrs. Fiamboys— she's a nice little thing— black eyes, plump figure, 
and don't get on with her husband. Siie'll do. [Sits near Mrs. Flam' 
boys.] I know I'm not a pleasant person to look at, but my conver- 
sation is considered sparkling. I'll try and sparkle. Mrs. Flambovs ' 
Mrs F Yes. 

Rind [Sentimentally.] Do you believe in first impressions? 
Mrs F Sincerely. 

Rand [Taken abjek.] Oh ! But don't you find that your first estimate 
of a man is sometimes a mistaken one? 

Mrs F [ With decision.] Never. [Aside.] I wish this person would 20 
Rand Humph ! Cold shoulder ! 

Mrs F Mr. Fiamboys, if it's not asking to great a favor, I should 
like a little lobster s.dad. 
Flamb [l.] Oh hang it ! Can't you get it yourself? 
Rand What an ill-bred boor it is. Allow me, Mrs. Fiamboys. 

[Gives her salad. 
Mrs F Oh, thank you. [Aside to Flamboys.] leant touch it after 
that dreadful man; get me something else— anything. 
Flamb My darling— there . [Gives her chicken. 

Miss F Thank you, dearest. What are you eating? 
Flamb Nothing. I live on love. 
Mrs F My darling ! 
Flamb My pet! 
Trot Ha !— hem ! 

Flamb [Rudely.] Here, somebody give my wife something— she 
won't touch anything I give her. 

Mrs F No, thank you; I've finished. Ah, I had an appetite once ? 
Flamb You had — enormous ! 
Mrs F Brute ! 



18 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Rand [Who has gone round to Mrs. Scantlebury, c] Mrs. Scantle- 
bury, do you believe in first impressions ? [Pathetically. 

Mrs Scant [Startled.] Bless and save tbe man — what does he mean ? 

Rand [Reproachfully.'] Ah, and you, too, give me the cold shoulder ! 

Mrs Scant Some cold shoulder for Mr. Randall. 

[Turning away from him. 

Scant Certainly, Randall, Shall I put some mint sauce over it. 

Rand Devilish odd; they don't seem to like me at all. [Aloud.] 
Thanks, I have some pigeon pie. 

Trot Then have some more. [Gives him some. 

Rand Is this pigeon ? 

Tret No, it's rook. 

Flamb They go very well together, don't they, Randall ? 

Scant It's a great Homburg dish, isn't it, Randall? 

Trot Rook and pigeon, with a good steak, is a dish you're always 
glad to have a finger in, ain't you, Randall? 

Mrs Scant A finger ? [To Randall.] There's no occasion to use your 
fingers, sir ! Allow me to hand you a fork. 

Flamb Randall always prefers a spoon if he can get one; don't you 
Randall? 

Scant I can provide you with one. . [Offers one. 

R:md I'm sure you can. Thank you. 

Scant What do you mean by that, sir ? [Rising. 

Band You were born with a silver one in your mouth, were you 
not? 

Scant Well, sir, and if I was, sir — and if I was, sir? 

Rand Well, I meant that one. [Goes round to Miss Spinn. 

Scant [Aside to Mrs. Scantlebury.] Now, how the deuce did he 
know I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth? 

Mrs Scant He traced it in your conversation. 

Scant [Angrily.] Frederica! 

Mrs Scant Horace ! 

Scant [Recollecting himself.] My own ! 

Mrs Scant My love ! 

Flamb [l.] Scantlebury, leave your wife alone, do. 

Mrs Scant Sir! Mr. Scantlebury is not in the habit of letting his wife 
alone. If you are envious -of Mr. Scantlebury' s happiness — 

Flamb But I am not. 

Scant You're right, Flamboys. 

Mrs Scant Horace ! [Angrily. 

Scant Frederica ! 

31rs Scant [Recollecting herself.] My love ! 

Scant My own! [They embrace. 

Rand Miss Spinn ! 
[Randall in the meantime has gone round fo Miss Spinn, introducing himself be- 
tween Miss Spinn and Bangles. 

Miss 8 Well? 

Rand Do you believe in first impressions ? 

MissS Oh, I don't believe in anything. 

Rand I'm glad of that, it shows a sense beyond your years. / be- 
lieve in nothing, but / have been five and thirty years learning that 
nothing is worthy of belief. If I had known it at your age, I should 
have been a happier man. 

Miss S Indeed ! 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 19 

Rand Yes - alas ! I have lived a life of trust ! 

Miss S A !i Ce on trust you mean. [Aside.] 1 wish he'd go. 

Rand And my trust has been bitterly misplaced. Inme you behold 
a wasted destiny. I was mad<; to oe believed in, but no one believes 
in me. You don't seem surprised. 

Miss S Well, I'm not. 

Rand Ah, you are like the rest of the world — you, whom I had 
thought so different. You see that I am ugly, and you conclude that 
I am wicked. 

Miss ti Oh, I didn't say that. [A side. [ He is extremely plain. 

Rand Oh. 1 don't complain, ma'am. It's natural enough ; I myself 
often act on ihe converse o f the proposition. I see that you are beau- 
tiful, and 1 concluded that you are good. 

Miss S [Aside.'] Poor fellow ! How nicely he expresses himself. I 
am afraid I have judged him harshly. How an»;ry Joseph looks ! 
I'll make him jealous ! [Aloud— rising and coming down.] But if you 
knew me better, you might find that you were mistaken -you might 
fiud that I was not — 

Rand Beautiful? 

Miss S No— good. 

Rand Will you let me try ? 

Miss S [Bashfully.] Yes. 

Trot Come, we must be off to the caves if we want to see them — the 
tide is coming in, and this place will be under water in half an hour. 
Bangles, give your arm to Miss Spinn. 

[He does so— Servants begin to clear away. 

Rand Pardon me, I claim Miss Spinn. It's an engagement five 
minutes old. [Takes her. 

Bang Thank you— thank you sincerely. [Shakes Randall's hand. 

Miss S [Aside..] Oh, you sarcastic creature! There'll be blood 
spilt, I know there will ! [To Randall.] Swear that you will not light 
on my account. 

Rand I swear ! [All exeunt b., except Bakgj^S r.nd Pit. Thotway. 

Trot Come along, Joe, you and i il pair oil' together. 

Bang No — I'm out of sorts. 

Trot Why, what's wrong ? 

Bang Well, to be candid with you, I don't like to see Edith and 
that fellow Buckthorpe so much together. 

Trot Young people, Joe — young people ! We were young once, you 
know. 

Bang [Sadly.] Yes— once. [Aside.] They're always together — on the 
beach, on the parade, on the pier — wherever she goes he's sure to 
turn up with his confounded " Miss Temple, this is indeed an unex- 
pected pleasure !" Unexpected — bah! Why,- he knows her move- 
ments to a minute, and her plans for a week to come. 

Trot This is rather a critical moment in Buckthorpe' sexistence.^ He 
is expecting every minute to hear that a Chancery suit has determined 
in his favor, and if it does, it will put him in possession of a consid- 
erable fortune. 

Bang The deuce it will. 

Trot Yes. As Edith and I were walking through Beech wood, yes- 
terday, who should turn up of all people in the world but Buck- 
thorpe. " Dear me, Miss Temple," said he, " this is indeed an un- 
expected pleasure." 



20 BAND ALL'S THUMB. 

Bang Bah ! Trotway, do you ever go to the play ? 

Trot Oh, yes ; often. 

Bang Very good. Then here's a little drama in two acts, and a 
moral that will interest you. Act 1— Scene, the Earth. Time, sun- 
rise. Personage discovered : the Astronomer-Royal. The Sun rises 
in the east, Astronomer- Royal speaks, "God bless my soul," says 
he, "you rising in the east? This is indeed an unexpected plea- 
sure." End of Act 1. Act 2 — Same Scene. Time, sunset. Person- 
ages discovered : the Astronomer-Royal, and the Sun about to set. 
Astronomer- Royal speaks. " God bless my soul," says he, " you are 
setting in the west? This is indeed an unexpected pleasure." 
Moral— The Astronomer-Royal's a humbug. [Exit Bangles, r 

Trot Nonsense. Joe, you're hard on Buckthorpe. It's very odd 
that Joe Bangles, who likes everybody, should have taken such a dis- 
like to young Buckthorpe, whom everybody else likes so much. I 
can' t account for it. 

Enter Edith and Buckthorpe over the rocks, l. 

Trot Well, young lady, you've taken your time about it. We've 
lunched without you. 

Edith Uncle, I was so tired, I was obliged to sit down. 

Trot Well, we had to remove everything to the top of the cliff, as 
the tide is rising ; so if you want any lunch you r d better come with 
me — come along, Buckthorpe. [Exeunt Trotway and Edith, r. 

As Buckthorpe is following them, Randall enters, r. 

Rand [rJ Stop— I want to speak to you. 

Buck [l.J Well ? 

Rand Well, you've been a week at work, and precious good run- 
ning you've made in the time. 

Buck Yes — pretty well. 

Rand Nice girl. 

Buck Yes. 

R ind Pity she has to loose her money ! 

Buck It is a pity. 

Rand Well, you've made good use of yOur time. I couldn't have 
got around her in a week as you have. 

Back Oh, you're too modest ! 

Rand Yes, I am modest. Why, at this moment I know of half-a- 
dozen ladies — devilish fine women, too — who'd give a good deal to 
know where I am. 

Buck Ladies? 

Rand Yes. 

Buck What kind of ladies? [Contemptuously. 

Rand Landladies. Don't mistake me — it's rent, not spoons. No, 
no — Jack Randall is not the man to run away from that sort of thing. 

Buck No— he's just the sort of man to run away with that sort of 
thing. 

Rmd What sort of thing ? 

Buck Spoons. 

Rand My good friend, you d >n't understand these things. I am 
not a strictly honest man, but I should no more think of sneaking 
down an area after a plate-basket th in you would of sitting down to 
dinner with a dustman. Damme, sir, pay some regard to social dis- 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 21 

tinctions. If you are a swell, swindle ; if you are a snob, sneak. 
Always rob according to your station in life. Golden maxim. 

Buck Then, by your own admission, you're a swindler. 

Rand I'm a chess-player. 

Buck But you cheat. 

Rand No — I finesse. 

Buck I don't understand the distinction. 

Rand I'll make it clear to you. I have a scheme to take your 
queen. To effect this, I arrange that my bishop shall occupy this 
square— my knight that— my rook that, and so forth. If you're a 
skillful player you detect my scheme and prepare to baffle it ; if not, 
I gain my end. And because I don't explain my tactics beforehand, 
you kick the board over. 

Buck Your games generally end that wajr, don't they ? 

Rand Generally. The art of losing with a good grace is an accom- 
plishment which is very generally neglected, I often wish it was 
otherwise. 

Buck No doubt. 

Rand But let's get to business. What haye you gathered from 
this pirl about my lamented wife? 

Buck Nothing. 

Rand Not yet ? 

Buck No, not yet. 

Rand Then, as time's getting on, and as I have very good reasons 
for not stopping here longer than is necessary, I think you'd better 
begin. 

Buck Oh, you think that ? 

Rand Yes, I do. Look here, Buckthorpe, I'm not going to stand 
any nonsense— I've got my fingers round your throat, and one 
squeeze will choke the life out of you. This evening I must know 
all about this wife of mine — you've got about an hour to do it in ; 
you'd better begin at once. Here comes the girl. I shall be within 
hearing, so you'd better be careful. ^ # 

Buck I would rather you did not listen. 

Rand No doubt ; but I shall. 

Randall goes behind rock, k. u. e., as Edith enters, r. 

Edith Mr. Buckthorpe, do you know where my uncle is ? 

Buck No; I have not seen him. 

Edith I saw some one with you — 

Buck Yes— Mr. Randall. 

Edith Oh. Is Mr. Randall a great friend of yours ? 
They sit — Edith on lower rock with her back to Randall, BuCKTUonrE on 
higher rock, facing him. 

Buck No, he's not a great friend of mine. 

Edith Is he — you'll think it a strange question— is he a very nice 
man? 

Buck No, he's not a very nice man. 

Edith He doesn't look at all nice. 

Buck He is not at all nice. [Randall attempts to go.] It's about two 
years since your aunt, Miss Brackenbury, died ? [Randall stags. 

Edith Just two years, poor old lady. 

Buck So Randall told me. 

'Edith How in the world does he know anything about her ? 



22 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Buck He is a very well-informed man. 

Edith Indeed ? He looks like a— a — You don' t mind my speaking 
openly about him ? 

Buck Not at all. I like it. 

Edith He looks like a — what do you call those people at fairs and 
races ? 

Buck Punch and Judy man ? 

Edith No, swell mob. Surely he's not a gentleman? 

Buck Most surely not. 

Edith Then how is it that you and he are so much together ? You 
are so entirely different. He is the worst-looking man I ever saw. 

[Randall going. 

Buck I'll tell you all about that, some day. How old was your 
aunt when she died ? [Randall stops. 

Edith Seventy- nine. 

Buck So Randall told me. 

Elith Mr. Randall seems to know a great deal about my aunt. 

Buck It is part of Mr. Randall's profession to know a great deal 
about a great many people. 

Edith His profession ? Is he at the bar ? 

Buck Very often. He is a swindler — a forger — an adventurer — a 
low-bred thief, and an utterly unmitigated scoundrel ! [Exit Randall, 
k. — Rising.'] Edith, that man has a terrible hold upon me. He has 
evidence which implicates me in a crime of which he knows me io be 
utterly innocent, and he threatens to make that evidence public if I 
withdraw from his society. 

Edith [Rising.] A crime ? 

Buck A crime of which, before heaven, I am utterly innocent ! I 
have been weak, imprudent, selfish, dissipated, but my honor, as hon- 
or is esteemed by the world, is still unstained. 

Edith I am sure of it. Quite, quite sure of it. But is there no 
prospect of your being able to shake off the influence of this fearful 
man— Reginald, Lam — I am rich — forgive me for" what I am going to 
say. I am rich, and my money is at your disposal. Will you let me 
help you ? 

Buck Edith, j^ou have it in your power to help me as no other soul 
on earth can help me. There is a help that you can give me, for 
which I, who do not often pray, will pray day and night — the help 
of your companionship — of sweet association with one as good and 
pure as you. Edith, give me this hope— tell me that weak, wicked 
as I have been, I am not beyond the reach of your mercy ! 

Edith Who am I, Reginald, that I should set myself up as a judge 
of your conduct? I have been so hedged about from the very 
approach of temptation, that I can only guess at the meaning of the 
word. I have been jealously guarded through life, by strong, and 
wise, and loving counsellors. I have never had one wish thwarted. 
I have reveled in the happiest life that this world can bestow, and 
shall I sit in judgment upon you, who have been left from boyhood 
to your own courses — turned adrift into the world without friends, 
without counsel, and without cxamble — to fight the world unadvised, 
unaided, and alone ? Oh, Reginald, I am more just ! 

Buck Edith, your words give me new life— new hope. I have been 
an outcast so long, that I had almost given up the struggle with the 
world in despair. 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 23 

Edith Still the world is a good world ; you were your worst 
enemy — 

Buck Yes ; God help him of whom that, may he said ! A hrave 
man can grapple with an outside foe — and if he falls, he falls with 
honor. But when one's deadliest enemy is locked up in one's own 
heart, ever present, and ever watchful to take advantage of weak- 
nesses known only to itself— his case is desperate indeed ! Yes ; I 
was my worst enemy. I knew the strength of my weakness, and I 
surrendered to it at discretion. 

Edith But there is yet time. You are young and strong and hrave 
— you have that within you, which, under due guidance, may yet 
place you high among your fellows. 

Buck And where shall I look for that guidance — to you? 

Edith Reginald, I am a poor, weak, inexperienced girl — a baby in 
the world — un tempted and untried. I do not know myself, for I 
have been put to no proof. J am unfitted for so great a charge ! 

Buck [Passionntely.] Edith, in your hands I place my life— do with 
it what you will. It is my last — my only hope ! Tell me that you 
will take it into your keeping. 

Edith [After a pause."] If you think me worthy to undertake this 
great charge— yes. 

Buck Bear in mind what I am — what I have been— an adventurer 
— an outcast. 

Edith I think only of what you will he, when you have separated 
yourself from the evil influences that have hitherto surrounded you. 
It may be within my power to help you to do that ; if it is, I will 
help you with all my heart, with all my soul. Reginald, I icill be 
your guide. 

Buck For life ? 

Edith For life. They retire up, and go off, it. u. e. 

Enter Mrs. Scantleburt and Flamboys, r. 

Mrs Scant How delightful this is, Mr. Flamboys ! How pure — how 
grand — how calm ! I don't know whether I admire the ocean most 
under its present peaceful aspect, or when it is lashed into fury by the 
demon of the storm. 

Flamb I do. When it is lashed into fury by the demon of the 
storm, there's no fish for breakfast next day. 

Mrs Sca?it I'm afraid you've no romance, Mr. Flamboys. 

Flrsmb Not a grain ; I had plenty of it when I was your age. 

Mrs Scant Oh, Mr. Flamboys, you are surely younger than I! 

[Bashfully.] 

Flamb Oh, much — in years —but I mean matrimonially speaking. 
I mean when I was first married. 

Mrs Scant Oh ! 

Flamb But Mrs. Flamboys soon knocked that out of me. 

Mrs Scant Indeed ? 

Flamb Yes. Mrs. Flamboys has no romance. She is as matter-of 
fact as the multiplication table, and quite as difficult to master. 
Now, when I married, my conversation was so metaphorical that no 
one understood me. In fact, Mrs. Flamboys hooked me by placing 
a matter-of-fact interpretation upon a flowery invitation to dance. 
She married me through a metaphor, and fixed me with a figure of 
speech. And a pretty dance she's led me ever since. 



24 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Mrs Scant Poor Mr. Flamboys ! That was enough to cure you of 
romance. 

Flamb Yes. but it didn't. After my marriage. I surrounded myself 
with a mamelon of metaphor— a palladium of poetry — a fortress of 
figure of speech— but it was of no good, Mrs. Flamboys battered it all 
down. 

3Irs Scant Battered it all down ? What with ? 

Flamb Babies. Four of 'em— George, Thomas, William and John. 

Mrs Scant And how old are they ? 

Flamb Oh. I don't know ! The youngest may be ten days. 

Mrs Scant Ten days ! [Astonished. 

Flamb [Confused.] No, no — I mean ten years. 

Mrs Scant Ten years ! [Horrified. 

Flamb No, no— what am I saying? Ten months —months — months? 
I know it's ten something. [Aside.] I wish this woman would go. 

Mrs Scant Poor Mr. Flamboys ! Do you know, the more I sec of 
Mrs. Flamboys, the more I pity you. 

Flamb The deuce you do ! — that is— of course — thank you — thank 
you, sincerely. [Aside.] I wish Scantlebury would come and fetch her 
away. 

Mrs Scant Any one can see that you are not happily mated. It is a 
great pity, for you are young, and— and— good-looking. 

Flamb Eh? [Frightened. 

Mrs Scant [Simpering.] Very good-looking. I may say so, Mr. Flam- 
boys, for I am old enough to be your — ahem !— aunt. 

Flamb Quite. Wouldn't you like to rejoin Mr. Scantlebury ? 

Mrs Scant Oh, dear, no, Scantlebury 's all right; that is — yes, if you 
please. Dear Mr. Scantlebury, where can he be ? [Looks off, u.—then 
aside.] Here he comes. [Aloud.] I think I see him over there. [Points 
off, l.J Will you take me to him ? 

[Exeunt Mrs. Scantlebury ogling Mr. Flamboys, l. 

Enter Mr. Scantlebury, and Mrs. Flamboys, r. 

Mrs F There's Mrs. Scantlebury; I'm so glad you've found her at 
last. 

Scant Ah, to be sure, there is Mrs. Scantlebury. 

Mrs F And with Mr. Flamboys. [Aside.] Poor boy, how he must 
be suffering ! Well ? 

Scant Well, ma'am? 

Mrs F We had better join them, hadn't we? 

Scant Join them ? Never ! 

Mrs F Yes; my husband will take charge of me. 

Scant No, Mrs. Flamboys, I can' t permit you to make so great a 
sacrifice on my account. 

Mrs F Sacrifice ? 

Scant Yes, you are happier with me, ma'am; he means well, I dare 
say, but he's a brute. 

Mrs F But still — Mrs. Scantlebury— she will be anxious about you 
if you keep away from her on my account. 

Scant Mrs. Scantlebury has every confidence in me. Besides, the 
longer I keep away from her, the better pleased she will be to see me 
when I return to her. I want her to be extremely pleased to see me, 
so I shall keep away from her as lenq; as possible. I didn't leave 
I-Irs. Scantlebury' s side all day until an hour ago, and after twenty- 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 25 

four hours of it, I'm afraid even my society may begin to pall upon 
her. 

Mrs F Oh, impossible, Mr. Scantlebury. 

Scant Yes, it seems so to you, because you see me at my best. But 
I'm not always the lightsome thing you see before you. I have my 
moments of depression — I feel one coming on now. Let me see — 
what.is it that cheers, but don't inebriate ? 

Mrs F Oh, it's some cup— 

Scant It's some cup. Perhaps it's champagne cup ? [Pours out 
some from tankard which Bangles has left on higher rock, and drinks.] It is 
champagne cup. [Takes some more. 

Mrs F Indeed, I think we'd better go. [Aside.] There's Edward 
still with that horrible woman— I'm sure he's dying to get away from 
her. [Aloud.] Come, Mr. Scantlebury, you must take me to my hus- 
band. 

Scant [Getting tipsy.] Your husband ? Never ! Your husband's a 
brute ! 

Mrs F Well, never mind that. 

Scant He's a brute, ma'am ; he's not worthy of you — is he worthy 
of you ? 

Mrs F No, no— perhaps not— but still — 

Scant But still you want to go to him ? It's a beautiful trait in 
your character — a beautiful trait. [Drinks.] Yes, this is the cup 
I've heard of. It cheers, but it don't inebriate. I'm quite cheerful 
now, ma'am. Flamboys is a brute — he insults his wife, and beats 
his children. He beats his children, don't he ? 

Mrs F Oh, yes, yes ! [Impatiently. 

Scant [Indignantly.] He beats his children ! How many are there ? 

Mrs F Oh, four. 

Scant Four! I'll drink all their healths. What are their names ? 

Mrs F Oh, I don't know. 

Scant Don't know? That's nonsense. 

3Irs F Oh, Jane, Emma, Mary and Kate. 

Scant Jane, Emma, Mary and Kate ! Beautiful names ! God bless 
'em all ! [Drinks. 

Mrs F Now, Mr. Scantlebury, once for all, I must insist on your 
rejoining Mrs. Scantlebury. 

Scant Never mind Mrs. Scantlebury; I've plenty of Mrs. Scantle- 
bury at home. It's astonishing how soon one gets sick of Mrs. Scan- 
tlebury. She's a fine woman, but a very little of Mrs. Scantlebury 
goes a very long way. I wish a great deal of Mrs. Scantlebury would 
go a very long way — and stop there ! 

3Irs F Mr. Scantlebury ! Is this the way in which you speak of a 
wife to whom you haven't been married three weeks? 

Scant Three weeks ? Thirty-five— [Recollecting.] Yes, three weeks ! 
She's too good for me, Mrs. Flamboys. It's too much happiness for 
one man ! She's a noble woman, ma'am, and I've much pleasure in 
drinking her health. Take me to her ! I'll allow you to have the 
pleasure of taking me to her ! 

Mrs F Thank goodness, here she is. 

Enter Mrs. Scantlebury with Flamboys, l. 

Scant [r.] Just as we were getting on so com-comfortably ! 

Mrs F Mrs. Scantlebury, we've been looking for you everywhere. 



26 BANDALL'S THUMB. 

Allow me to hand Mr. Scantlebury over into your keeping— he seems 
to be unwell. 

Mrs Scant Unwell ? [Rushes to him. 

Scant Unwell ? Never berrer. 

F lamb [Indignantly, -L.] Unwell? Why he's tipsy ! 

Scant [Explains.] It's a pic-nic. 

Mrs Scant [a] Why. Horace — dearest Horace, what is the matter? 
Speak, I implore ! [to Ma. and Mrs. Flamboys.] Don't be alarmed, 
he is often so. 

Scant Matter? Matter's plain enough — I'm tip-tip-tipsy. It's a 
pic-nic. Don't be alarmed, I'm often so. 

Mrs Scant Come with me, love, come with me. [Aside, viciously."] 
And if I don't talk you sober in five minutes, my name's not Scan- 
tlebury. 

Scant If your name's not Scantlebury, I decline to recognize your 
authority. 

Mrs Scant I say if I don't talk you sober in five minutes, my name's 
not Scantlebury. 

Scant Then I shan't know whether your entitled to take such a 
liberty until you've taken it. 

Mrs Scant Edward, you forget yourself. Eemember, if you please, 
we are a newly-married couple. 

Scant So we are — that 'scuse for everything. [To Mrs. Flamboys.] 
If my remarks have 'peared little incoherent, please be good enough 
to attribute it to the fact that I'm a newly-married couple — and 
that 'scuse for everything ! 

Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Scantlebury, r. Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys rush 
to each other's arms. 

Enter Buckthorpe, unobserved. He couglis — they see him and disengage. 

Mrs F [Angrily.'] Oh, Mr. Flamboys ! — your brutality will break 
my heart ! ' [Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys, r., asif quarrelina. 

Enter Band all, r. u e., in a rage. 

Rand Now, you're a pretty fellow ! 

Buck [Sits on rock, l.] You're good enough to say so. 

Rand I overheard what you told that girl about me 

Buck I know you did — that's why I said it. 

Rand And do you think I'm going to stand this ? 

Buck No. I thought you wouldn't like it— I told you you had 
better not listen. 

Rand And I told you that I didn't agree with you. 
I Buck Well, you see I was right. 
J Rand You infernal scoundrel ! I — 

Buck Stop ! If this is to revolve itself into a duel of bad language. 
I give in. With those weapons I'm no match for you. 

Rand Do you know what you've done ? Do you know that you've 
blown upon me ? Do you know that, instead of helping my game 
on, you've spoilt it beyond redemption ? 

Buck I hope so. 

Rand Do you know that what you've told that girl will be all over 
the place to-morrow? Do you know — curse you ! — that you've made 
it too hot to hold me ? 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 27 

Buck Yes, I think so. If I haven't, I will. Randall, it's a fearful 
thing to feel that one is dependent on the mercy of such a man m 
you. 

Rand So it is. 

Buck I am, unhappily dependent on that mercy. 

Band Entirely. 

Buck You have in your possession letters that implicate me in the 
death of that unhappy man, Peters. There's a reward of three hun- 
dred pounds for my apprehension ; and, as you say, you could earn 
that reward to-morrow ! 

Rand To-night. 

Buck Very well, then— earn it. [Rising. 

Rand What? 

Buck Earn it, I say. 

Rand Are you mad, Buckthorpe ? 

Buck I am. I am maddened by the hold you have upon me. I'm 
maddened by the fact that it depends upon the will and pleasure of 
such a hound as you, whether I, an innocent man, go free, or stand 
at a criminal bar on a charge of murder. I am mad, and I shall be 
mad until that hold is removed. So do your worst — I've made up 
my mind, and I'll chance it. 

Rand Come — be reasonable. I only want you to help me to my 
own. 

Buck Damn your own ! If it's your own, prove your claim to it 
yourself. I've been under your thumb long enough, and I'll shake 
myself free or take the consequences. Randall, your fearful presence 
has haunted me, night and day, for two years. Your infernal threats 
have reduced me from the position of a gentleman to be your miser- 
able associate. You've been the nightmare of my life. When I was 
falling you pulled me down, and held me down when I might have 
risen. You've flavored my miserable life with the taint of your own. 
You cursed jail-bird ! You proclaimed thief ! Be off, for my hands 
are not my own just now ! Be off, and do your worst, for, as there's 
a heaven above us, I'll do mine ! 

Rand Buckthorpe, if I consulted my personal feeling towards you, 
I'd take you at your word to-night. If I spare you till to-morrow, it 
is because it is to my interest to give you one more chance. If you 
have not procured the information I want by twelve o'clock to-mor- 
row, you're a dead man. I give you this chance — not out of any 
consideration for you, whom I would gladly see dead at my feet — but 
because I prefer thirty-eight thousand to three hundred. And one or 
the other I will have. Good evening. [Exit Randall, r. 

Buck What have I done? [Makes a movement as if to call Mm back.] 
No, no ! I mustn't let him see that I feel his power over me. I've 
taken up my position, and I must stand or fall by it. Yet, if he puts 
his threat into effect, what hope is left for me ? Suppose the best- 
suppose that I am acquitted — how should I stand in Edith's eyes, 
with the brand of an Old Bailey trial upon me— and on such a charge! 
Oh ! he dares not do it ; he has too much at stake. The police are 
after him. He has better reasons to hide and skulk under false 
names and in strange disguises, than to seek the searching glare of a 
criminal court. No, no ; I think I'm safe. There's a warrant out 
for his arrest on a charge of forgery. I might lay information against 
him, if I knew the details of the charge; but then he would be 



28 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

brought to bay, and he'd turn upon me, and this miserable affair 
would come to light— and then, Edith ! No, I can't do that — I can't 
do that. 

Enter Miss Spinn, r. u. e. 

Miss S Mr. Buckthorpe, was that Mr. Randall who left just now ? 

Buck Yes. 

Mm S Humph. I don't like Mr. Randall a bit. 

Buck Indeed. 

Miss S No. He took me to the caves, and he wanted to give half 
a crown to the woman who shows them. 

Buck Well, there's no harm in that. 

Miss S Not a bit, only — he'd forgotten his purse. 

Buck I see; and he borrowed yours ? 

3Iiss S No, he didn't. Fortunately, I had forgotten mine, too. 
Now, I don't like other people who've forgotton their purses. 

Buck And how did you settle it ? 

Miss S I promised to make it up to her in sandwiches; but she said 
she couldn't drink sandwiches; " Well, but you couldn't drink half 
a crown," said I; " Oh, couldn't I?" said she. And I really believe 
she could ! 

Enter Ma. Bangles and Edith, it. 

Buck Edith ! [Going to her. 

Bang That woman here ? How very annoying ! 

[Sits on lower rock. 

Miss S Mr. Bangles, why, what in the world is the matter ? [Aside.] 
Oh, you foolish, foolish, jealous boy ! Because he's found me here 
alone with Mr. Buckthorpe ! Why, you silly child, Mr. Buckthorpe 
is dying for Edith ! See how glad they are to get together again. 
Why, I am here to find you. . v 

Bang To find me ? 

Miss S Yes; I began to think you had been punished enough. 

Bang So I have; too much ! 

Miss S Bless your heart, I only did it to tease you. 
[Edith and Buckthorpe are seated on high rock, l. — Bangles and Miss 
Spinn on low rock, r. 

Bang [Looking at Buckthorpe.] Confound the fellow — how happy 
he seems ! And how happy she seems, too ! 

[During this conversation the tide has risen and surrounded both rocks. 

Miss S Oh, Mr. Bangles ! the water! We're surrounded! 

Bang Eh? Confound it, I thought we were above high water- 
mark. 

Miss S Mr. Bangles, this is a trick ! 

Bang A trick, ma'am? 

Miss S Yes, I see it all. It's a planned thing to get me alone. Oh, 
Mr. Bangles, this is unmanly, unmanly ! What will people say ? 

[Pretends to weep. 

Bang Absurd ! What the deuce are we to do ? 

Miss S If I believed that this was a planned thing to enjoy my so- 
ciety alone, until the tide goes down, I'd never, never, speak to you 
again ! 

Bang You wouldn't? 

Miss S Indeed, I wouldn't. 



BANDALL'S THUMB. 2& 

Bang You promise that ! 
Miss S I do ! 

Bang Then I'll confess all. It was a planned thing. I settled it 
with Buckthorpe an hour ago. There — now keep your promise 
Miss 8 Do you really mean to tell me this ? 
Bang Certainly; no doubt about it. 
Miss S Oh, Joe, dear Joe. 

Bang Ma'am, you said you'd never speak to me again. 
Mm S But I didn't mean it, Joe. 
I Bang, [Aside.'] I must put an end to this. [Aloud.] Miss Spinn, let 
-t.s come to the point. It's an awkward thing to have to say to a 
lady, but I can't close my eyes to the fact that you seem to think 
that i — in short that — I propose to marry you. 
Miss S You do ? 
Bang [Decidedly.] 1 do ! 

Miss S You propose to marry me? Ob, Joseph, how good you are 
to me ! 

Bang Hang tbe woman ! [Aloud.] Miss Spinn let me assure you 
that— 

Miss S You may call me Adelaide, Joe. [Shyly. 

Bang Miss Spinn — 

Miss S I say you may call me Adelaide. 

Bang Well, then, Adelaide, I am sorry if my manner has conveyed 
a false impression, but — 

Miss S No, Joseph — I knew that you were very fond of me, but I 
hardly expected a formal declaration so soon; still, I am not angry — 
indeed, I am pleased — gratified — delighted ! But give me till to- 
morrow to decide, before I take the final and irrevocable plunge ! Oh, 
the water — the water ! Mr. Bangles ! we shall be drowned ! Miss 
Temple — Mr. Buckthorpe ! see — we are surrounded, and I shall be 
drowned ! — and in my new silk ! 

Buck Hallo ! [Sees his situation.] This is awkward ! — but you are 
quite safe. The sea is as smooth as glass, and the tide is almost at 
its highest. At the very worst, you'll only get a wetting. 
Bang Edith, you will be drowned ! 

Buck Oh, no — the water never covers this rock, except at spring 
tides; but as your rock will be a few inches under water, you had bet- 
ter signal for a boat. 

Bang But you — what will you do, Edith ? 

Buck Oh, we shall be all right. I'll take care of Miss Temple till 
the tide goes down. 

Miss S Oh ! — I'm slipping, Joseph ! Save me !— save me ! Put 
your arm round me — like that— there — I'm better, now. Oh, what 
shall I do ! 

Bang If you'll take my advice, ma'am, you'll take off your shoes 
and stockings, and walk on shore. 
Miss S Mr. Bangles ! 
Bang I won't look, ma'am — upon my honor! 

Randall enters in boat, it., in front of lower rock. ( . 

Buck Here's a boat. Your quite safe, Miss Spinn. I 

3Iiss S Saved— saved ! [Aside.] That man always turns up when he 
isn't wanted. 

Bang Come, Buckthorpe. 



30 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Rand The boat will only hold two. Buckthorpe and Miss Temple 
are quite safe, as that rock is never covered. Come along, Bangles. 
[Bangles and Miss Spinn get into the boat. 

3fiss S Oh, Mr. Bangles ! 

Bang What? 

3Iiss jS If it had only been the other rock. [They are rowed off, b. 

Edith How strange, to be cut off so completely from the world ! 

Buck And how pleasant ! Here we are on a little world of our own. 

Edith King and queen of a tiny kingdom. 

Buck With this advantage over other kings and queens — that we 
have no subjects. 

Edith But it's such a very little kingdom. 

Buck It is large enough for our wants. 

Edith Yes, for an hour or two. How shall we pass the time ? Shall 
I be Eobinson Crusoe — and you will be my man Friday ? 

Buck Yes, saved by you from enemies who would have destroyed 
me. 

Edith And true and faithful to me, in return, forever after ? 

Buck Forever after ! 

Edith Very well; that's settled. Now, let me see — what happened 
when Robinson rescued Friday ? 

Buck Friday kissed Bobinson. 

Edith Are you sure ? 

Buck Quite ! [Kisses her. 

Edith I don't remember that. Well, then Friday was taught to 
hunt for Robinson's dinner. Hunt away ! Ah, I've puzzled you now ! 

Buck No. He was taught to hunt for'it. Teach me. 

Edith I can't do that. However, in this case, Robinson is not 
hungry. 

Buck In other words, Robinson hauls down his colors. 

Edith Yes. Surrenders at discretion. The analogy is imperfect. 
Let us try something else. 

Buck What shall we try ? I am a storm-tossed vessel, safely an- 
chored in the haven of your love. 

Edith It's a poor haven, Reginald — a haven that will afford you 
little protection against the rude winds of the outer world. 

Buck It is a haven of peace and rest — a haven into which sorrow, 
care, and trouble can never enter. See — the sun is setting, and the 
sorrows of my life sink with it. From this hour I live a new life — 
strong in your faith — faithful to my strength. Who would not be 
strong in the certainty of such love as yours ? 

Edith My love is for you, Reginald, for ever and for ever. 

Buck I have fretted sorely under the yoke that I have had to bear, 
but I would have borne it patiently had I known that those words 
were in store for me. I would bear it all again to hear you speak 
them once more. 

Edith There is no need, Reginald ! 

Buck No need, Edith, for my troubles are at an end. A good, 
grave, and earnest life is before me, and with your counsel and your 
example, I will lead that life. Edith, at last I am at peace ! 

Enter Randall, in boat, r. 

Buck [Aside.] Randall! [Aloud.] Why are you here ? 
Band I have come to take you off. 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 81 

Buck It is unnecessary. We are high and dry above high- water 
mark. 

Rand But the wind may rise. 

Buck The sea is calm enough now. 

Band Calm enough now ! But don't deceive yourself. There's a 
storm brewing for you. If you want to escape it, you must do as I 
bid you. 

Kandall Buckthorpe and Edith 

R. [in boat.] [on rock] l. 



ACT III. 

SCENE.— Same as Act I. 

Mrs. Scantlebury scaled knitting, r. — Enter Mrs. Flamboys from hotel 

with Little basket. 

Mrs F Oh, Mrs. Scantlebury — I have such news ! 

Mrs Scant News, my dear? 

Mrs F Yes ; Edith Temple is engaged to Mr. Buckthorpe. 

[Sits at table, r. 

Mrs Scant Engaged ? How very indelicate ! 

Mrs F Indelicate ? 

Mrs Scant Certainly. Why, they haven't known each other a 
week. It's very bad taste. 

Mrs F Oh yes ; they're old friends who were engaged eighteen 
months ago. It was broken off, and now they've made it up. 
What do you call good taste ? 

Mrs Scant Eighteen months ! My dear, Mr. Scantlebury knew me 
tbirty-five years before he thought of marrying me. Ah, you may 
well be surprised, but/it's quite true. 

Mrs F Oh, I not at all surprised. 

31rs Scant Eh ? [Offended. 

Mrs F No doubt he was frightened away by your other admirers. 

Mrs S No, my dear. There were crowds of them, but I never kept 
them in suspense. For thirty-five years I made up my mind to 
remain single. Young men had only to look at my face, and they 
saw at once that it was made up. 

Mrs F They would. 

Mrs Scant Yes ; there is something in my face that had such an 
effect on them, that directly they looked at it, they went away, and 
they never came back again. Now, I call that good taste. 

Mrs F On the part of — 

3Irs Scant Of myself— of course. It's a great mistake to marry too 
young. 

Mrs F It is, indeed. [Sighing.] Ah, If I had been a little more like 
you, Mrs. Scantlebury— 

Mrs S If you had been a little more like me, my dear, you would 
never have been married to Mr. Flamboys. 

Mrs F I'm sure of that, Mrs. Scantlebury. 

Mrs Scant No, no; depend upon it, a man makes a great mistake 
when he marries a young girl who grows older and older every day. 



82 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

In my opinion, a wife should begin as she means to go on. • Mr. 
Buckthorpe marries Edith at her best — Mr. Scant] ebury married me 
at my worst. I shall make a point of cautioning Mr. Buckthorpe. 

31rs F Cautioning him ? 

Mrs Scant Certainly. How does he know what Edith will be at 
my age ? It isn' t every woman who preserves her good looks at eight- 
and-forty. If Mr. Buckthorpe is wise, he'll do as Scantlebury did — 
he'll wait and see. [Exit Mrs. Scantlebury, l. 

Mrs F What a dreadful old woman ! Well, at all events, Mr. Scan- 
tlebury know's the worst. I suppose even they are happy in then 
odd way ! People always are, I suppose, at first. At first ! I speak 
as though such happiness as mine could have an end. Now that I 
am alone, I can set to work again. [Proceeds to roll cigarettes.] Happy 
cigarettes ! your lives are brief, indeed — but then you live through 
their short span at his lips. I declare, I envy you the few moments 
during which each of you usurps my place ! 

Enter Flameoys, r. u. e. 

Flamb My love! 

Mrs F Theodore \ . 

Flamb What are these ? 

Mrs F Cigarettes. Pretty things with a pretty name. I declare 
I'm jealous of them. I wish cigarettes were not feminine. 

Flamb Do you think I should let you roll them if they were masca- 
line ? 

Mrs F [Earnestly.] I hope not, dear; I hope you love me far — far 
too well. I've been at work at them all the morning, and I've made 
forty- two. 

Flamb What an industrious little woman. And whom are they 
for? 

Mrs F Can't you guess ? 

Enter Bangles, r. y. e. 

Ftamb Can't imagine. 

Bang [Coming forward] Perhaps they are foy.Mf '. Flamboys. . 

Mrs F [Contemptuously.] Mr. Flamboys, indeed ! 

Bang Surely they arc not for yourself. 

Mrs F Really, Mr. Bangles, I hope it's not necessary to assure you 
that I don't smoke. 

Bang Well, let me see, they can't be for Trotway — [Mrs. Flam- 
boys shakes her head.] For Randall, then ? [Mrs. Flamboys shakes her 
head.] Why, they must be for me ? 

Mrs F [Reluctantly.] Why, of course they must. [Aside.] Tiresome 
old man. [Bangles takes them— Mrs. F. to Flamboys, l.] Theodore, 
get them away from him, they are for you. Dearest Theodore, he 
mustn't have them. 

Flamb [l.] My love, what can I do ? [Aloud — crossing to Bangles.] 
I say, Bangles, take an old stager's advice, don't you smoke Mrs. 
Flamboy's cigarettes — they're beastly. 

Bang [r.] What am I to do ? I don't like amateur cigarettes as a 
rule, but she'll be offended if I refuse them. 

Flamb No, no, I'll square her. [Aloud.] Mrs. Flamboys, call these 
cigarettes? — Ridiculous ! Come along with me, ma'am, and I'll teach 
you how to roll cigarettes. Here's a thing ! Look at it, ma'am; why, 
it's back's broken. Examine it, ma'am; its a deformity. Taste it, 



EANDALL'S THUMB. 33 

ma'am. [Puis it in his mouth mid lights it.] It's — it's— it's — oh, it's de- 
licious ! Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys, l. 

Bang Strange people! They little thought when they married, 
four years ago, that they were taking a yoke upon their shoulders 
that would gall them through life. Well, I've steered clear of that 
sort of thing hitherto, and now I'm going on the rocks in my old 
age ! I'm a wicked old scoundrel to fall in love with a girl of twenty ! 
But she'll never know it — she'll never know it ! I've kept it to my- 
self for two long years, and I suppose it will die with me. It won't 
die till then ! [Sits at table, R. 

Enter Edith, l. u. e. 

Edith Why, you're all alone — where's Miss Spinn ? 

Bang [At table, r.] Washed out to sea, my dear, for anything I 
know or care. 

Edith Do you know I'm very glad to hear you say that? Because 
people think that — that — 

Bang That I intend to marry her ? 

Edith No, that she intends to marry you — that's worse. Now I 
can't allow any one to marry you — because — 

Bang Because I'm a confirmed old batchelor, eh, Edith ? 

Edith Oh, she told you what I said, did she ? Yes, because you're 
a continued old batchelor. I should be dreadfully jealous of any one 
you married. [Sits on a stool at his feet. 

Bang You would ? 

Edith Certainly. What would become of me ? 

Bang Of you ? 

Edith Yes, of me ! Why, I've been your little wife since I was 
two years old, and do you think I' m going to allow any one else to 
light your cheroot, or warm your slippers, or nurse you when you are 
ill. Why, w hat a wicked old man you must be, to think of such a 
thing! 

Bang But I never did think of such a thing, and I never shall 
think of such a thing. 

Edith Never? <. 

Bang Never. 

Edith That's all right. Then you see you are a confirmed old 
bachelor after all. 

Bang Oh, I didn't say that. 

Edith But do say it. Promise me that you will never, never marry. 
I can't bear to think of you as a married man. Besides, you are mar- 
ried already. 

Bang Indeed? 

Edith Yes, to me. 

Bang Then — you will never marry ? 

Edith Oh, I didn't say that. That's quite a different thing. 

Bang But if you are my wife ? 

Edith Oh, yes, — no doubt I am your wife — but then, you see, you 
are not my husband. 

Bang How do you make that out ? 

Edith Why, in the first place, a husband has black whiskers— now, 
yours are grey. 

Bang They were black once. 

Edith Dear me ! Well, I suppose they were. Now, that's very 



34 handali/s thumb. 

odd, to think that you once had black whiskers. They've always 
been grey ever since I can remember, and I never associated them 
with any other color. I believe I thought you w T ere born with grey 
whiskers. It seems so strange to think that you were ever a young 
man — you are such a thorough old fogy ! 

-Bang I am ! A thorough old fogy ! A growling, grumbling, dis- 
contented old fogy ! A bald old fogy ! A grey old fogy ! A gouty 
old fogy ! I'm a nice sort of fellow to talk of getting married. Mar- 
ried ! And in ten years I shan't have a tooth in my head. Married ! 
with an outfit of flannel bandages, silver gilt crutches, and a cellar 
of anthuonial wine. No, no ; Joe Bangles's work is done. Shelve 
him— superannuate him— lay him up ' in lavender, he's only in the 
way. And if he wants to be a family man, let him go a— godfather- 
ing. It's all he's lit fornow, God help him ! it's all he's fit for now 1 

[Sits, and covers his face with his hands. 

Edith [ Who has been laughing with Mr. Bangles through this speech, is 
alarmed at his emotion.'] Oh ! Mr. Bangles — I hope I haven't vexed you. 
I can't bear to see you look unhappy — and I am so happy, too ! 

Bang You ? 

Edith Yes — I have come to tell you some news. I — I think I am 
going to be married. 

Bang Married — to — to— 

Edith To Mr. Buckthorpe. Oh, Mr. Bangles I'm so happy ! 

Bang [Aside.] Then it's over. [Aloud.] God bless you, my love ! 
I — I — hope and pray that may be sincerely happy. 

Edith Won't you kiss me ? ■ 

Bang [Kisses her.] Buckthorpe is a good fellow— I'm sure of it. I 
— I — you may not think it, my dear, but I do believe I'm delighted 
to hear it ! 

Enter Buckthorpe, l. u. e. 

Buck Thank you, Mr. Bangles — thank you heartly ! Edith speaks 
so kindly — so affectionately — of you ! — her heart is so full of the un- 
varying love you have borne her for eighteen j-ears, that I am over- 
joyed to think so old and true a friend does not appear displeased at 
her engagement. [Exit Edith into hotel.] Yes, Mr. Bangles, I'm going 
to be married to Edith. And that's not all — the Vice-Chancellor's 
decision has just been telegraphed to me, and I'm owner in fee of Ard- 
leigh Park, two-thirds of a coal mine, and thirteen thousand pounds 
consols. 

Bang [r.] My boy, I don't know much about you — I've only 
known you a week or so — but you come of a good stock, and I hope 
and believe you're the hearty, straightforward, manly fellow I take 
you to be. 

Buck [l.] Mr. Bangles, I will be candid with you. If I'm a straight- 
forward fellow, my straightforwardness is only a week old. 

Bang Eh ? 

Buck When I came down to Beachington, I was an adventurer. 

Bang Confound it, sir ! You don't mean to say that that dear girl's 
money brought you down here ? 

Buck No — I came down to Beachington not knowing that Edith was 
here; and when I learnt that she was here, I also learnt that she was 
penniless. 

Bang Penniless ! Confound it, sir ! It's all very well for a man with 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 35 

a park, a coal mine, and devil knows how much consols, to call Edith 
penniless; but thirty-eight thousand pounds is a pretty sum, notwith- 
standing. Your recent good luck has enlarged your views, Mr. Buck- 
thorpe. 

Buck Edith has not one penny she can call her own. She does not 
know this— hut I knew it all along. That thief, Randall, secretly 
married her great aunt after the date of the will, and he claims all 
that she left. There's a warrant against him for forgery, and so he 
dares not declare himself. 

Bang The deuce there is ! Let me ask you, sir, if Mr. Randall is a 
forger, how do you and he come to be together ? 

Buck Because I am under his thumb, Mr. Bangles, I'll tell you all. 
Twelve months ago, I killed a man in self-defense. Randall holds 
evidence which makes my crime look like willful murder. 

Bang Do I understand you to say, sir, that you are an infernal 
scoundrel ? 

Buck I didn't say that. I've been imprudent — unfortunate— dis- 
sipated; but I' ve done nothing to bring me within the grasp of the law. 

Bang Hang it, sir, you confess to having killed this miserable man. 

Buck Yes, under circumstances that would have justified an arch- 
bishop in killing him. 

Bang It may be so, sir, and it may not. Does Dr. Trotway know 
that you killed this man ? 

Buck No ! [Abashed. 

Bang Does Edith know it ? 

Buck No ! 

Bang^ Then, sir, I shall consider it my duty, sir, to place them in 
possession of all the facts. I have no- wish to deal hardly, sir, with a 
young man who, having fallen, through his own weakness, is strug- 
gling to right himself in the world's opinion and his own. But in 
this charge that hangs over you the question of weakness does not 
arise. Either you murdered this man, or you did not. And I tell 
you this frankly— if you murdered him, I'll hang you ! 

Buck Mr. Bangles, let me tell you this — if this accusation reaches 
Edith's ears, whether I am guilty or whether I am innocent, I am lost 
beyond redemption. 

Bang Come, sir, I'll make a bargain with you. I'll tackle this fel- 
low Randall myself. I think I know how to deal with him. If I see 
reason to be satisfied that his charge is a true one, I give you up to 
justice. If I have reason to believe it is false, I place no obstacle in 
the way of your marriage; and if you knew all that I could tell you, 
you would give me credit for some forbearance in making this promise. 

Buck But by what means — 

Bang Leave the means to me. I think I see my way to the end I 
propose to accomplish. If you are innocent your innocence will appear. 

Buck Mr. Bangles, will you shake hands with me. 

Bang Sir, I would rather postpone that ceremony until I have put 
my plan into operation. Here comes that unspeakable scoundrel, 
Randall. Be good enough to leave me to deal with him. [Exit Buck- 
THORrE, r. u. b.] Here's a devil of a business. If I tell Trotway, as 
I'm bound in honor and in duty to do, and the charge turns out to be 
false, it will appear as though I were taking a dastardly revenge on a 
man who has cut me out. If I let the matter rest, I allow Edith to 
marry an admitted roue and a possible murderer ! 



36 BANDALL'S THUMB. 

Enter Randall from hotel. 

Bang Now, sir. It appears by all accounts that you are an infer- 
nal villain. 

Rand You're very good. [Crosses to r. 

Bang [l.] I've just learnt from Mr. Buckthorpe that there is a 
warrant out for his apprehension on what he describes as a false 
charge of murder ; and that you hold the means of bringing him to 
justice. 

Rand Did he tell you that? 

Bang He did. Now, sir, Mr. Buckthorpe may be guilty or he may 
be innocent. If he is guilty he ought to be hanged. If he is inno- 
cent you ought to be transported. Now, one or the other of those 
events I propose to bring about. 

Rand You will take your own course, but what the deuce has it to 
do with you ? 

Bang I'll tell you what it has to do with me. You state that you 
know of your own knowledge that he is guilty ? 

Rand Undoubtedly. 

Bang Then, if you don't act upon that knowledge you are an 
accomplice after the fact. I shall detain you here while information 
is given to the police, and I shall give you both into their custody 
when they arrive. 

Rand What ! [Aside.] Devil take him ; that won't do. They'll 
spot me as the Rum Customer directly. [Aloud with much agitation.] 
Mr. Bangles, I am a man of the world. 

Bang Then, sir, for a man of the world, you seem to shake a good 
deal. 

Rand Nonsense ; I'm not well. I don't want to hang this poor 
devil, Buckthorpe, If I can help it. He don't deserve any pity, but 
I can't help pitying him. I'm an infernal tender-hearted old lamb, 
I know ; but still I can't help it. But, look here, if you insist upon 
it, I'll go and lay information myself, there ! [Going. 

Bang Stop ! I shan't let you leave this hotel. 

Rand By what right do you propose to stop me ? 

Bang By no right at all — by main force. 

Rand I'll try that. [Going. 

Bang Stop ! You see this gong ? [Going to gong at entrance of hotel.} 
If you take one step further in that direction, I'll call every man in 
the house to my assistance, and I will denounce you as a murderer's 
accomplice ! Now then, one step, and — 

Rand [r.] What do you want me to do ? 

Bang Write a note to the Superintendent here, and send it by a 
porter. Yes or no ? Come, one, two, three ! [Preparing to strike. 

Rand Stop ! What am I to write ? 

Bang This : [Randall sits down to write at table, r.] To the Super- 
intendent, BeachiDgton Police Station. Sir: A notorious criminal, 
a warrant for whose arrest is out " — 

Rand But— 

Bang Ah, would j r ou? [Prepares to strike gong.] "Is staying at 
this hotel. Send a sergeant, and two strong men, and I will give 
him into custody." Sign it. 

Rand Wouldn't it be better if you signed it ? 

Bang No, no — I wouldn't deprive you of the three hundred pounds 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 37 

reward, on any account. [Randall signs it.] "Postscript — Let the 
two men be very strong." 

Rand I say — 

Bang Ah, would you ? [About to strike gong — Randall finishes note — 
Bangles takes note, and reads.] Very good. Now direct it to the 
Superintendent. [Randall does so.] Good. Waiter ! 

Enter Cumming, from hotel. 

Take this note to the police station directly. [Randall folds another 
piece of paper, aside.] 

Cumming Police station, sir? 

Rand Immediately. There's no answer. 

Bang Oh, yes — there is. A sergeant and two strong men. Bring 
them here with you. [Cumming going. 

Rand Stop ! Hadn't I better direct it to the Superintendent by 
name. I happen to know his name. [Takes note back. 

Bang [a] No doubt you do. 
[Randall writes address on blank note, and hands it to Cumming, retaining 
the note first written. 

Rand There — that's better. 

Bang [Intercepting the note.] Allow me. [Reads.] "To Mr. Superin- 
tendent Clench." Much better. 

Rand More regular, you know. 

Bang Much more regular. [Opens it deliberately — Randall very uneasy.] 
Bless me ! How very odd ! The writing has -disappeared ! Blank 
paper ! 

Rand Dear me ! That's very strange. 

Bang Very strange, indeed. 

Rand These mistakes will happen. 

Bang No doubt. Ha, ha, ! 

Rand Ha, ha! [Uneasily. 

Bang Come, Mr. Randall — in the confusion of the moment you 
changed the papers. Oblige me with the original document. 

Rand Exactly. In the hurry of business, I — that's it. Confound 
you ! 

Bang Thank you. [Gives it to Cumming — returning blank note to Ran- 
dall.] Allow me. Now, Mr. Randall, you are free to go. 

[Exit, Cumming, l. 

Rand To go where I please ? 

Bang To go where you please. 

Rand Right away ? 

Bang Right away ! 

Rand [Aside.] In ten minutes the express starts for London. I can 
pack in two, and reach the station in five. Bangles, you're a rn^uff ! 

[Exit into hotel. 
Enter Buckthorpe, e. u. e. 

Bang Well, sir, I've done it. 

Buck Done what ? 

Bang Laid information. Mr. Buckthorpe, I don't mind owning to 
you that my impression is that you're a bit of a scamp, but that 
you're not guilty of this murder. You told me there was a warrant 
out for Randall's arrest for forgery. I've made him write a note to 
the Superintendent to the effect that a notorious criminal is staying 



38 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

here, but I haven't said who the criminal is, or what he's charged 
with. Now, if he knows you to be guilty of this murder, he'll give 
you into custody, and you'll be hanged, and serve you right. If he 
knows you to be innocent, he'll be off and away before -the officers 
arrive, for fear that he should be arrested on a charge of forgery. Now, 
sir, you stand on your deliverance; and — hang it — whichever way it 
goes, I shall be perfectly satisfied ! [Exit r. 

Buck [Sinks into a chair, r.] So, the end is at hand, and in a few 
minutes I shall know the worst. Well, it is better that it should be 
so, than that I should drag on a miserable existence under the shadow 
of that cursed scoundrel's ban ! Here he comes. 

Enter Eandall, with portmanteau and traveling rug, from hotel. 

He's going and I am saved ! [To Eandall, with forced calmness.] Why, 
what's this ? You don't mean to say you're going to leave us ? 

Hand Yes. 

Buck This is rather sudden, isn't it ? 

Band Very. 

Buck Can I have a word with you before you go ? 

Band No. 

Buck Must catch the express ? 

Band Yes. [Going. 

Buck Then you've thought better of your threat ? 

Band Yes; until you're married. Then, look out ! [Going. 

Enter Waiter from hotel. 

Waiter Beg pardon, sir. I took your check to master. He says — 
very sorry, sir, but he says he can't take it in payment of your bill. 

Band Nonsense— absurd. [Going, c. 

Waiter Beg pardon, sir, but I'can't let you go. 

Band [ Violently.] Stand away, and let me pass. 

Waiter Bless you, sir, I'm not afraid of you. My impression is, 
you're like your portmanteau. [Taking it.] Very big to look at. but — 
[Shaking it.] '"^ry little in you. [Waiter sits on portmanteau at the back. 

Band [l.] Buckthorpe, if you'll give me a check for three hun- 
dred pounds, and five pounds down, I'll give up those letters. 

Buck [r.] The deuce you will ? Why, you'll get that sum from 
the Home Office. 

Band Yes, but I want to go. 

Buck But you've laid information against me — they'll want your 
evidence. 

Band No, I don't want to be hard — I'll let you off at cost price. 

Buck Can't you do it under that— for a friend, you know. 

Band [Aside.] They'll be here in five minutes, and I shall be 
nabbed. [Aloud.] Say a hundred pounds, and a fiver down. 
... Buck Suppose we say the fiver without the hundred pounds ! 
"' Band [In desperation.] Done — here are the letters — give me the 
money. [Looks at watch.] In the devil's name, man, be quick, or it 
will be too late. They are right enough. 

Buck One moment. I don't doubt your word, but I would rather 
see that they are all here. [Opens them and counts them very deliberately. 

Band There are six of them — four from Dijon, and two from St. 
Valerie. Look sharp. 

Buck Quite Eight. 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 89 

Rand Come, the money. Don't put me in a hole— Tve acted 
straightfordwardly in this matter, at all events. 

Buck You have ; I congratulate you. How do you feel after it ? 

Rand Give me the money, man, in the devil's name — 

Buck There it is, Mr. Randall. [Gives notes.] Why, your handshakes. 

Rand [To Cumming.] Give that note to your master. [Going r. 

Gumming [l.] There's ten shillings change, sir. 

Rand Keep the change. Poor devil, you look as if you wanted it ! 
Off at last ! 

Buck Don't go, Randall. 

Rand Why not ? 

Buck Because I'm going to detain you on a charge of forgery. 

Rand The devil you are ! What do you know about that charge ? 

Buck Nothing, except that your wanted for it. [Holds him. 

Rand And do you think I can't break away from you? 

Buck On the contrary, I think you can; but I don't think you've 
the pluck to try. [Randall much disconcerted. ] Why, you trembling 
cur, you daren't move an inch, when a man's hand is on your throat. 

Rand Don't be a fool ! You've got your letters — let me go. 

Buck Let you go ! You — who have held an unfounded charge 
over me for eighteen months ! — you, who have used that charge to 
wring from me the miserable remnant of my shattered fortune ! — 
you, who have used that charge to foist your cursed company on me 
for eighteen months ! — you, who have used that charge to pull me 
down when I was falling, and to keep me down when I might 
have risen ! No, no, Randall — my turn's come ! 
Randall struggles furiously to release himself — Buckthorpe forces him into a 
chair, r., and places his hand on Randall's throat. 

Buck Lie still, you cur ? — lie still ! — or, by heaven, I'll choke you ! 

Rand Help, help ! He'll murder me ! Help, help ! 

Enter Bangles and Trotway from hotel — They seize Randall. 

Here, Bangles — Trotway— take this fellow off! He's a murderer ! I 
denounce him !— seize him ! — he has letters in his pock'- '- that suffice 
to hfhig him half-a-dozen times over. Don't let him destroy them ! 

Buck [l.] I have no intention of destroying them. They are here. 
[Places them in Trotway' s hands.] Dr. Trotway, I might have de- 
stroyed those letters five minutes ago, but I have preserved them, so 
that you might know the full truth about this miserable business. 

Trot [a] Mr. Buckthorpe, Mr. Bangles has told me all. I need 
not tell you that the truth of your story must be established before 
you are allowed to see my niece again. 

Bang [r., to Buckthorpe.] I say, you sir ! 

Buck [l.] Yes. 

Bang When did this so-called murder take place? 

Buck On the 14th August, 1869. 

Bang You were attacked in the dark by a man in the prime of 
life, and you defended yourself with a swordstick ? 

Buck Yes, yes ! 

Bang [Grossing to Buckthorpe.] You ran your adversary through 
the neck ? 

Buck Yes. 

Bang Just— just here ? [Showing a scar on his neck. 

Buck Yes. 



40 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Bang And hang it, sir, do you mean to say that a coroner's jury 
ever sat on me ? 

All On you? 

Bang Yes, on me, sir — on me ! 

Buck But it was Peters — a commercial traveler. 

Bang Peters be hanged, sir ! It was I. I think I ought ,o unow. 

Buck Then you didn't die ? 

Bang Die ! Who the devil says I'm dead ? Do I look like a dead 
man? Did you ever see anybody look more like a live man? I'm 
good for a great many years yet, sir — a great many years yet ! 

Trot But the coroner's jury — 

Bang [Turning round suddenly.] Coroner's jury, sir! No coroner's 
jury ever sat on me ! [To Buckthorpe, in a furious rage.] Why, con- 
found you, sir — how dare you ? Who the deuce are you sir, that you 
consider yourself justified in spreading such a report ? What do you 
mean by it ? Hang it, sir, explain yourself ! 

Buck But Randall said that a jury sat on the body, and returned 
a verdict of willful murder against some person or persons unknown. 

Bang Oh ! Randall told you ! Do you mean to say that you are 
such an infernal fool as to believe a word that fellow tells you ? « 

Band [r.] Let me tell you, sir — 

Bang [Crossing to Randall.] Let me tell you, sir, that you're a 
miserable imposter ! Let me tell you, sir, that when you say my 
name's Peters, and that I'm a confounded bagman, you tell a group 
of lies, sir — a group of lies. And when you say that I'm dead, and 
that a coroner's jury ever sat on me, you anticipate matters a great 
many years, sir — a great many years ! 

Trot [a] But how did you escape ? 

Bang Escape? I tumbled over the cliff, and was caught — never 
mind how, sir — in a most ignominious manner, half-way down, sir 
— half-way down. I had attacked the wrong man. I mistook him 
for a fellow who had robbed me, and I got the worst of it, and serve 
me devilish well right ! I found out my mistake, sir, and as I was 
all in the wrong, and as I had to sail for India next morning, and as 
the wound was slight — I plastered it up, and joined my ship. 

Trot Buckthorpe, forgive me. My dear Joe, [to Bangles,] yon 
have made us all extremely happy ! 

Bang [a] Made you all extremely happy! I've made myself con- 
foundedly miserable. If I had been killed right off, Buckthorpe 
would have been tried for murder, and I might have married Edith 
and been happy for the rest of my life ! [To Buckthorpe.] Now, sir, 
if you'll allow me, I shall have a melancholy pleasure in shaking 
your hand. [He does so. 

Enter Sergeant and Cumming, r. u. e. 

Sergeant [To Randall.] Beg pardon, sir ! Are you the gent that 
wrote this note ? 

Rand [r.] Eh— yes! 

Serg [a] Well, here we are, sir. What can we do for you. I sup- 
pose ) r our information's along of Bill Burke, alias the Rum Customer. 
We've got information that he's somewhere hereabouts. 

Buck [l.] Burke ! That's an alias of Randall's ! Sergeant, that's 
your man ! 

Serg Eh ? Oh, I see ! [Removes Randall's wig and whiskers.] Lor' ! 



RANDALL'S THUMB. 41 

So it is ! William Burke, I arrest you on a charge of forgery ! Here's 
my warrant. Much obliged to you for sending for me, sir. Lor' 
bless you, I should never have known you ! 

Gumming [r. to Randall.] Beg pardon, sir! Here's your change. 
Poor devil ! You look as if you wanted it. [Gives half sovereign, exit, n. 

Rand Done ! But my game s not up yet. Buckthorpe, I've another 
card to play, as you know. Edith Temple hasn't a penny. I mar- 
ried her great aunt, after the date of the will under which she takes 
her fortune. Here's a copy of the certificate. [Gives paper to Trotway. 

Serg If won't do you much good, my man, seeing it's fifteen 
thousand to one you get a lifer. 

Enter Miss Spinn and Edith from hotel. 

Rand It'll do me this good— that that girl's penniless. It's the 
only revenge in my power, and by heaven I' 11 take it ! 

Trot [a, reads.] " John Randall to Penelope Brack enbury." — 

Miss S [l.] Penelope Brackenbury ? An old woman of seventy ? 

Trot Yes. 

Miss S Married in this parish two years ago ? 

Trot Yes, so it seems. 

Miss S Tall stout old lady — dropped her h's— swore a good deal. 

Trot Oh, dear no ! A little wizened old lady of singularly refined 
manners, and of a remarkably serious turn. 

Miss S Didn't she drink ? 

Edith Aunt Penelope drink ? Why, she was the quietest and dear- 
est old lady in the world ! Stop, here's her portrait ! [Sixmos portrait. 

Miss S Oh, dear me, this isn't Miss Penelope Brackenbury — at least 
not the Penelope Brackenbury who was married at Saint Jude's in 
this parish. I remember her well, she lodged at my house two days 
before her marriage, with a tall man, with a bald head. Why, [Sees 
Randall.] there he is ! [Grossing to Randall. 

Serg [r.]* John Randall, alias Bill Burke, alias the Rum Customer, 
in custody on a charge of forgery. 

Miss S Well, upon my word ! I always thought those whiskers 
were too good to be true. Do you mean to say you married this lady ? 

[Shows portrait. 

Rand How do you know I did not ? 

Miss S How do I know? Because — because — well, I'm not 
ashamed to own it— I've been a good many things in my time, and a 
pew-opener among others; and I witnessed the marriage and here's 
my signature— and I don't care who knows it— there ! Others have 
fallen lower and risen higher afterwards, and I may do so, too — there! 

Rand And do you remember me ? 

Miss S [l.] Yes, I do remember you; I've good cause to, for you 
gave me a half-a-crown and it was a bad one. Bless you all, it was a 
vamped-up marriage ! He bribed some old thief, whose age corres- 
ponded with Miss Brackenbury's to assume her name and description, 
and they went through the form of marriage, with a view to getting 
hold of her money after her death. Bless you— it's done every day. 

Bang [a] Adelaide Spinn, you're a trump after all ! and, if you'll 
allow me", I'll— hang it !— I'll kiss you ! Grosses to Miss Spinn. 

Miss S Allow you, Joseph ?— why, of course I will ! There ! [He kisses 
her.] That's the first of a great, great many to come. 

Bang [After a pause.] Well, upon my life, Adelaide, I believe it is. 

[They retire up.] 



42 RANDALL'S THUMB. 

Enter Mr, and Mrs. Scantlebury, l. 

Mrs S Hey ? What? Policemen ? Heavens, what are they here for ? 

Serg We've come to walk off one of your party, ma'am. Serious 
charge— forgery ! 

Mrs. Scant Forgery ! Who is it ? Scantlebury, what have you been 
about ? 

Scant My love, I've done plenty of foolish things in my life, but I 
never was a thief. 

Mrs Scant [Slyly. ~\ Not when you stole my heart ? 

Scant My own ! 

Mrs Sca?it My love ! [They embrace.'] Don' t mind us, Mr. Policeman, 
we are so happy together ! 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Flamboys, r. 

Flamb Oh, go on, it won't last — bride and bridegroom — old story ! 
Take an old stager's advice, and make your hay while the sun shines. 

Mrs F "Ah, me, how heedless of their fate, the little lambkins 
play !" Ah ! make the most of Mr. Scantlebury while you can — you'll 
be heartily tired of each other in five years. 

[Gives parcel, ivrapped up in newspaper, to Miss Spinn. 

Scant Five years ! We hadn't even a squabble for the first fifteen. 

Trot Fifteen ! I thought you had only been married three weeks ? 

Scant Three weeks? Nonsense !— away, deception! Thirty-five 
years. 

Mrs Scant It has seemed like three weeks, hasn't it, Scantlebury? 

Scant My own ! 

Mrs Scant My love ! 

Both Ugh! 

Miss S [Coming forward ivith parcel] Bless me ! How very odd ! 

All What's the matter! 

Miss S [Reads.] " On the 19th instant, at Trinity Church, Padding- 
ton, by the Kev. Reginald Reredos, Theodore Flamboys, Esq., to 
Augusta, only daughter of Caleb Walker, of Jamaica, West Indies." 

Trot Why, you rascal, I thought you had been married five years. 

Flamb [Confused.] It has seemed, like five years, hasn't it, Augusta ? 

Mrs Scant Then, George, and Thomas, and William, and John — 

Scant And Jane, and Emma, and Mary, and Kate — 

Flamb [To Scantlebury.] Some day. 

Buck [Seated with Edith on bench at back of stage. 
So Friday's enemies at last are gone, 
And Friday owes his life to Robinson. 
In gratitude to Robinson he'll bend 
True, faithful, and submissive to the end. 

Edith Will Friday always, always be the same ? 

Buck Even when Robinson has changed her name; 
The only change that we shall undergo. 

Edith No, you must change your name. 

Buck Indeed ! How so ? 

Edith From that day forth — that happy, happy high day, 
You shall be Robinson and I'll be Friday ! 

THE END. 






jffSEND POK A \ E W DEStRIFTIVE CATALOG U JE . 



(Catalogue continued from second page of cover.) 



VOL. xLL 
The Pirate's Legacy 
The Charcoal Burner 
Adelgitha 
Sen or Valiente 
Forest Rose 
Duke's Daughter 
Camilla's Husband 
Pure Gold 



VOL. XCII. 

329 Ticket of Leave Man 

330 Fool's Revenge 

331 O'Neil the Great 

332 Handy Andy 

333 Pirate of the Isles 
331 Fanchon 

335 Little Barefoot * 

336 Wild Irish Girl 



VOL. XLIII. 

337 Pearl of Savoy 

338 Dead Heart 

339 Ten Nights in a Bar-room 

340 Dumb Boy of Manchester 

341 Belphegor the Mountebank 

342 Cricket on the Hearth 
313 Printer's Devil 
344 Meg's Diversion 



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VOL. XLIV. 
345 Drunkard's Doom 
■"46 Chimney Corner 
847 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 

348 No Thoroughfare Tard's 

349 Peep O' Day [Life 
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•inks and Jinks 
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ack Ole Bull 
ackest Tragedy of All 

.obert Make-Airs 

ox and Cox 

tazeppa 

nited States Mail 

he Coopers 

<ld Dad s Cabin 

he Rival Lovers 

he Sham Doctor 

oily Millers 

illikins and his Dinah 

he Quack Doctor 

he Mystic Spell 

he Black Statue 

ncle Jeff 

he Mischievous Nigger 

he Black Shoemaker 



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8 Tom and Jerry, and Who' 

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9 No Tator. or Man Fish 

10 Who Stole the Chickens 

1 1 Upper Ten Thousand 

12 Rip Van Winkle 



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14 Two Pompeys 

15 Running the Blockade 

16 Jeemes the Poet 

17 Intelligence Office 
IS Echo Band 



20 Deaf as a Post 

21 Dead Alive 

22 Cousin Joe's Visit 

23 Boarding School 

24 Academy of Stars 



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17 The Magic Penny 

18 The Wreck | ny Cupids 

19 Oh Hush! orTheVirgin- 

20 The Portrait Painter 

21 The Hop of Fashion 

22 Bone Squash 

23 The Virginia Mummy 

24 Thieves at the Mill 

25 Comedy of Errors 

26 LesMiserables 

27 New Year's Calls 

28 Troublesome Servant 

29 Great Arrival 

30 Rooms to Let 

31 Black Crook Burlesque 

32 Ticket Taker 



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33 Hypochondriao 

34 William Tell 

35 Rose Dale 

36 Feast 

37 Fenian Spy 

38 Jack's the La<? 
89 Othello 

40 Camille 

41 Nobody's Son 

42 Sports on a Lark 

43 Actor and Singer 

44 Shylock 

45 Quarrelsome Servants 

46 Haunted House 

47 No Cure, No Pay 



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48 Fighting for the Union 

49 Hamlet the Dainty 

50 Corsican Twins 

51 Deaf -in a Horn 

52 Challenge Dance 

53 De Trouble begins at Nine 

54 Scenes at Gurney's 

55 16,000 Years Ago 

56 Stage- struck Darkey 

57 Black Mail | Clothes 

58 Highest Price for Old 

59 Howls from the Owl Train 

60 Old Hunks 

61 The Three Black Smiths 

62 Turkeys in Season 



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VOL. I. 

1 The Irish Attorney 

2 Boots at the Swan 
How to pay the Rent 

4 The Loan of a Lover 

5 The Dead Shot 

6 His Last Less 

7 The Invisible Prince 

8 The Gcldeu Farmer 



VOL. X. 
i 73 Ireland and America [ 
j 74 Pretty Pieoe of Business' 
j 75 Iri3h Broom-maker 
' 76 To Paris and Back fori 
Five Pounds 
77 That Blessed B 
j 78 Our Gal 
! 79 Swiss Cottage 
j 80 Young Widow 
! VOL. XI 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



ill 

014 491 069 2 



VOL. II. 
of the Market 
Up 
in he Irish Tutor 

12 The Barrack Boom 

13 Luke the Laborer 

14 Beai.tv ar.d the Beast 

15 St. Patricks Ere 

16 Captain o.' the Watch 

VOL. III. 

17 Thr- Secret [persl VuL. XII 

18 White Horse of the Pep- 1 89 A Good Fellow 

19 The Jacobite 



,1">0 Opposite Neighbors 

151 Dutchman's Ghost 

152 Persecuted Dutchman 
VOL. XX. 



81 O'Flanniccan and the ra-|153 Musard Ball 



! 82 Irish Post 

83 My Neighbor's Wife 
i 84 Irish Tiger 
! 8a P . P . , or Man and Tiger 
I 86 To Oblijre Benson 

87 State Secrets 

88 Irish Yankee 



20 The Bottle 
j 21 Box and Cox 
| 22 Bamboozling 
23 Widow's Victim 
-rt Macaire 
VOL, IV. 
i 25 Secret Service 
' 26 Omnibus 
t 27 Irish Lion 
I 28 Maid of Croissy 
': 29 The Old Guard 

30 Raising the Wind 

31 Slasher and Crasher 

32 Naval Engagements 

VOL. V. 

33 Cocknies in California 
3* Who Speaks First 
85 Bombastes Furioso 

36 Macbeth Travestie 

37 Irish Ambassador 
33 Delicate Ground 



154 Great Tragic Revival 

155 High Low Jack & Game 

156 A Gentleman from Ire- 

157 Tom and Jerry (land 

158 Village Lawyer 

159 Captain's not A-niiss 

160 Amateurs and Actors 



91 Gale Breezely 

92 Our Jemimy 
) 93 Miller's Maid 
'. 94 Awkward Arrival 
! 95 Crossing the Line 
i 96 Conjugal Lesson 

VOL. XIII. 
9T My Wife's Mirror 
i 98 Life in New York 
! 99 Middy Ashore 
jlOO Crown Prince 

101 Two Queens 

102 Thumping Legacy 

1103 Unfinished Gentleman 

1 104 House Dog 

VOL. XIV. 
J105 The Demon Lover 

1 106 Matrimony 
(107 In and Out of Place 
1108 I Dine with Mv Mother 
|109 Hi-a-wa-tha 

39 The Weathercock [ Gold ■ 110 Andy Blake 

40 All that Glitters is No t [lll Love in '76 [ties 
112 Romance under Difficul- 



VOL. XXI. 
,161 Promotion [ual 

90 Cherrv and Fail- Star 162 A Fascinating Individ- 



VOL. VI. 
41 Grimshaw, Bagshaw and 
Bradshaw 
| 42 Rough Diamond 
I 43 Bloomer Costume 
i 44 Two Bonovcastles 
I 45 Born to Good Luck 
: 46 Kiss in the Dark [jurer 
I 47 'T would Puzzle a Con- 
| 48 Kill or Cure 

VOL. VII. 

49 Box and Cox Married and 

50 St. Cupid [Settled 

51 Go-to-bed Tom 

52 The Lawyers 
i 53 Jack Shtppard 

54 The Toodles 
65 The Mobcap 

56 Ladies Beware 

VOL. Vlfl 

57 Morning Call 

58 Popping the Question 

59 Deaf as a Post 

60 New Footman 

61 Pleasant Neighbor 

62 Paddy the Piper 

63 Brian O Linn 

64 Irish Assuranr. 

VOL. IX. 

65 Temptation 

66 Paddy Carev 

67 Two Gregories 
63 King Charming 

69 Po-ca-hon-tas 

70 Cloekmaker's Hat 
Tl Married Rake 
72 Love and Murder 

VOL. XXXVII. 

289 AH the World's a Stage 

290 Quasb, or Nigger Practice 

291 Torn Him Out 

292 Pretty Girls of Stillberg 

293 Angel of the Attic 

294 Circumstances a] er Caie» 
298 Katty OSbeal 
296 Supper in Diiie 



VOL. XV. 

113 One Coat for 2 Suite 

114 A Decided Case 

1 1 5 D aughter L nori t v 

116 No; or, the Glorious Mi- 

117 Coroner's Inquisition 

118 Love in Humble Life 

119 Family Jars 

120 Personatien 



VOL. XVI. 

121 Children in the Wood 

122 Winning a Husband 

123 Day after the Fair 

124 Make Your M r ills 

125 Rendezvous 

126 My Wife's Husband 

127 Monsieur Tonson 

128 Illustrious Stranger 
VOL. XVII 

129 Mischief-Making [Mines 

130 A Live Woman in the 

131 The Corsair 

132 Shvlock 

133 Spoiled Child 

134 Evil 

135 Nothing to N^urse 

136 Wanted a widow 
XVIII. 

137 Lottery Ticket 
133 Fortune's Frolic 

139 Is he Jealous , 

140 Married Bachelor 

141 Husband at Sight 

142 Irishman in London 

143 Animal Magnetism 

144 Highways and By- Waysl 
VOL. XXXVIII. I 

19? Ici on Parle Franeaw '& 

2*8 Who Killed Cock Robin I 

299 Declaration of Independence! 

300 Heads or Tails 

301 Obstinate Family 

302 Mv Aunt 

303 That Raswal Pat 

304 Don Paddy de Baaa 



163 Mrs. Cau.'.le 

164 Shakspeare's Dream 

165 Neptune's Defeat 

166 Lady of Bedchamber 

167 Take Care of Little 

168 Irish Widow | Charley 

VOL. XXII. 

169 Yankee Peddlar 

170 Hiram Hireont 

171 Double-Bedded Room 

172 The Drama Defended 

173 Vermont Wool Dealer 

174 Ebenezer Venture [ter 

175 Principles .'rom Charao- 

176 Lady of the Laka (Trav) 

VOL. XXIII. 

177 Mad Dogs 

178 Barney the Baron 

179 Swiss Swains 

180 Bachelor's Bedroom 

181 A Roland for an Oliver 

182 More Blunder* than One 

183 Dumb Belle 

184 Limerick Boy 

VOL. XXIV. 

185 Nature and Philosophy 

186 Teddy the Tiler 

187 Spectre Bridgroom 

188 Matteo Falcone 

189 Jenny Lind 

190 Two Buzzards 

191 Happv Man 

192 Betsy Baker 
VOL. XXV. 

193 No. 1 Round the Corner 

194 Teddy Roe 

195 Object of Interest 

196 My Fellow Clark 

197 Bengal Tiger 

198 Laughing Hyena 

199 The Victor Vanquished 

200 Onr Wife 
VOL. XXVI. 

201 My Husband's Mirror 

202 Yankee Land. 

203 Norah Creina 

204 Good for Nothing 

205 The First Night 

206 The Eton Boy 

207 Wandering Minstrel 

208 Wanted, 1000 Milliners. 



223 Siamese Twins S 

224 Sent to the Tower ] 

VOL. XXIX 

225 Somebody Else 

226 Ladles' Battle 

227 Art of Acting 

228 The Lady of the Lionel 

229 The Rights of Man " 

230 My Husband' s Ghost 1 

231 Two Can Play at thfl 
Game 

232 Fighting by Proxy 1 
VOL. XXX. I 

233 Unprotected Female I 

234 Pet of the Petticoats 1 

235 Forty and Fifty [boJ 

236 Who Stole the Pockri 

237 My Son Diana 

238 Unwarrantable I n' r f 

239 Mr. and Mrs. White 1 

240 A Quiet Family 
VOL. XXXI. 

241 Cool as Cucumber 

242 Sudden Thoughts 

243 Jumbo Jum 

244 A Blighted Beiny 

245 Little Toddlekins. 

246 A Lover by Proxv f Pa,, 

247 Maid with the Miikii 

248 Perplexing Predicates 
VOL. XXX' f. N 

249 Dr. Dilworth \ 

250 Out to N-irse 

251 A Luckv Hit 

252 The Dowager 

253 Metamora i.Lurlesqne. * 

254 Dreams of Delusion 

255 The Shakf r Lovers 

256 Ticklish Times 
VOL. XXXIII. 

257 20 Minutes with a Tige 

258 Miralda: or, the Justlo ! 
of Tacon 

259 A Soldier's Conrtshii 

260 Servants by Legacy 

261 Dying for Love 

262 Alarming Sacrifice 

263 Valet de Sham 

264 Nicholas Nickleby 
VOL. XXXIV. 

265 The Last of the Pigtai i 

266 King Rene's Dauehte ' 

267 The Grotto Nymph \ 

268 A Devilish Good Jok 

269 A Twice Told Tale 1 

270 Pas de Fascination 
: 271 Revolutionary Soldie 
|272 A Man Without a Hea 

VOL. XXXV. 

273 The Olio, Part 1 
[274 The Olio, Part 2 

275 The 0".io, Part 3 

•276 The Trumpeter' sDr 

277 Seeing Warren 

(278 Green Mountain Boy 

279 That Nose 

280 Tom Noddy's Secret 
VOL. XXXVl 



VOL XXVII. 

209 Poor Pilcoddy 

210 The Mummy [Glasses- 281 Shocking Event 

211 Don't Forgetyour Opera 282 A Regular Fix 

212 Love in Livery Dick Tut] in 

213 Anthony and Cleopatra 281 Young Feam, 

214 Trving It On. 285 Young Actress 
-T5 Stage Struck Yankee , 286 Call at No. 1-7 

16 Young Wife & Old Um- 287 One Touch of NatuT. 
brella - Two B'hoys 

VOL. XXXIX. 
5 Too Much for Good Nature. 306 Cure for tbc Fidg 






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